Poverty Princess on the Definitive Albums of the ***Noughtie$***

The Holy Quaternary of Albums

Definition of Quaternity, plural Quaternities:  a union of a group or set of four

I realise Trinity sounds so much better but I couldn’t leave one out.

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  1. Good Girl Gone Bad – Rihanna

Good Girl Gone Bad took Rihanna from R&B Pop Princess to fully fledged mainstream Queen. Umbrella was the definitive song of 2007. Your parents were sick to death of hearing it and your grandparents blamed Rihanna for ‘one of the wettest summers’ they’d ever seen. I was obsessed with this album. Rihanna released 5 singles from it and then rereleased the whole album as Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded with three new singles. I’ve never felt anticipation stronger than when I was waiting for the music video to Disturbia

The tour for this album was my first ever concert. I took my friend as an apology for putting her in a neck brace in Italy, after an unfortunate accident in a toboggan. It was amazing. The concert. Not the neck brace casualty.

Rehab is in my Top 10 Rihanna songs. There’s no better song to listen to when you’re having a cigarette in the rain, feeling dramatic and considering quitting.

Breakin’ Dishes is also one of the most underrated Rihanna songs of all time & would be my go to in a lip sync for my life.

 

  1. Blackout – Britney Spears

It’s Britney Bitch may be the most iconic quote of the noughties. Blackout was released on my birthday and brought out a side in me that I thought only existed in strippers. 2007 was an absolutely dire year for Britney; divorce, head-shaving, custody battle, hospitalization, pink wigs, no knicker parties with Hilton and Lohan and an awful British Accent. Her performance with an umbrella almost eclipsed Rihanna’s. Yet Blackout is probably one of her pivotal, most consistent albums.

Blackout was fun, sexy and her retaliation to the media and it’s treatment of her over the years. The whole theme fit in perfectly with the car-crash that was her life at the time.

I will never get over the time I shuffled my iPod and Break the Ice came on straight after Katy Perry’s Ur So Gay:

“PENIS.”

“…It’s been a while.”

I was 13 and immature and laughed for days.

Unfortunately, Britney was in no fit state to tour Blackout but 2 years later my poor father drove me, and my now neck brace-free friend, all the way to London for the greatest comeback tour the world of Pop has ever seen: The Circus.

Throughout the tour, in true Britney style, she greeted Manchester by telling them ‘I’m so excited to be here in London’, forgot to turn her microphone off and announced to the audience that ‘MY PUSSY IS HANGING OUT” and had her extensions ragged out when they got caught in a couch as she was being levitated by a sex swing.

QUEEN.

 

  1. The Fame – Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga came out of nowhere and The Fame changed the Pop game forever. It was before she wore the meat dress, before she hatched out of that bloody egg and before the Fame became the Fame Monster. The controversy became too much and her shock value was destroyed to the point that people would have been more shocked had she came out wearing some high waist skinnies and a GAP jumper.

However, The Fame will forever be in the cannon of Pop Culture, as will Gaga herself. The Fame was hands down one of the greatest pop debut albums of all time. She brought disco stick into our vocabulary and made us look at that Bernard Matthews turkey ham in the fridge in a very different way.

I bought tickets to see the Pussycat Dolls when their star was beyond fading and they now featured Nicole Scherzinger, simply because Gaga was supporting. My companion was an hour late with the tickets and I only saw the very end of Just Dance. I knew I should have gone with neck brace.

 

  1. I Am Sasha Fierce – Beyoncé

Without Sasha, Smashton Fierce would never exist. Words will never do this album justice. Sasha Fierce cemented Beyoncés icon status. I’mma let ya’ll finish but Beyoncé had the most memorable album of all time, well definitely of the Noughties. I’m yet to see Sasha in the flesh. I don’t think I’m ready for that jelly and tbh don’t think I ever will be. I literally will die (play Save the Hero at my funeral or someone’s getting Haunted).

This album speaks for itself so I don’t have to, after all she is Sasha Fierce and I am a mere mortal.

 

& The Best Live Performance Goes To…

 

No words necessary. Just look at Rihanna’s reaction.

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The 90s were incredible. Britney Spears debuted her first album, The Spice Girls were formed and a Sabrina the Teenage Witch was everything. You know who doesn’t get enough credit? The Noughties. The Pussycat Dolls had us loosening up the buttons on our denim mini-skirts whilst listening to their songs, downloaded using Limewire, on our Motorola flip phones. Beyoncé went solo, Island girl Rihanna migrated to America and Britney …. well we all know what Britney did. Given a toss-up between spending an eternity in either decade, I honestly don’t know which one I’d choose. Who am I kidding? The Simple life gave me life and Paris Hilton released a single in the noughties. I know exactly which one I’d choose. I cannot wait to order a cheap, synesthetic blonde wig, oversized sunglasses and a fake Louis V for my Paris Costume for the 00s party I’m attending this February.

Here’s a playlist of Divas to enjoy at your very own Noughtie’s inspired slumber party, get the Bacardi Breezers in girls, because you’re worth it.

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  1. Oops!…I Did It Again – Britney Spears

 

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The hardest decision of my life was choosing between this & Lucky as the opening act.

Nostalgia Power: 10/10

  1. Don’t Let Me Get Me – P!nk

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P!nk taught all 90s babies the meaning of teenage angst before they even knew what hormones were. She gave us the perfect outlet for raging at our mum for not getting us the LG chocolate for Christmas.

Nostalgia Power: 6.5/10

 

  1. Love Don’t Cost A Thing – Jennifer Lopez

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Jenny from the Block was representing big booties before Kimmy K was even organising Paris’ wardrobe.

Nostalgia Power: 4/10

 

  1. Dirrty – Christina Aguilera

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If your parents caught you dancing to Christina with your Ethel Austin’s knickers pulled up above your ripped jeans then you weren’t allowed to play out for like a week.

Nostalgia Power: 9/10

 

  1. All The Things She Said – t.A.T.u

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“Mum, what’s a lesbian?”

My favourite song of all time.

Fond memories of my friend CWR texting the DJ at the silent disco in Leeds, “t.A.T.u please.”  “t.A.T.u and I’ll show my tits.” “ t.A.T.u or I’ll bomb.” “ WHY YOU NO LIKE RUSSIAN LESBIANS.”

Also screaming at a girl friend in the toilet at a party that she didn’t have time to wipe because I could hear the intro coming from the DJ booth.

Nostalgia Power: 10/10 (If you disagree, you’re lying)

 

  1. Sk8er Boi – Avril Lavgine

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Most Noughties song title of all time.

Nostalgia Power: 7.5

 

  1. Wake Up – Hilary Duff

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I’m with her.

Nostalgia Power: 7

 

  1. Sound Of The Underground – Girls Aloud

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No wet-play at Primary School was complete without a Girls Aloud dance routine for the Dinner ladies.

Nostalgia Power: 6/10

 

  1. Superstar – Jamelia

 

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Anthem of every school disco.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. Baby Boy – Beyoncé

 

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Dutty Wining since ’03.

Nostalgia Power: 7.5

  1. Milkshake – Kelis

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Grab a McDonalds Banana shake and shake those hips.

Nostalgia Power: 10/10

  1. (There’s Gotta Be) More To Life – Stacie Orrico

 

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If you don’t remember this one don’t ever return to this site again.

Nostalgia Power: 6.5

 

  1. Pieces Of Me – Ashlee Simpson

 

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Perfect for sitting next to the landline all day, every day.

Nostalgia Power: 7

 

  1. These Words – Natasha Bedingfield

 

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Every day I pray for the words ‘Natasha Bedingfield is making a comeback”.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. You Had Me – Joss Stone

 

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Back in the days when Joss’ man was her biggest concern, not whether her head was going to remain firmly on her shoulders or not.

Nostalgia Power: 5

 

  1. Dip It Low – Christina Milian

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Christina Milian, the most underappreciated Diva of all time. She is the Mulan of the music industry. If this playlist was in order of Banger Power rather than chronological, Dip It Low would be #1.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. Leave (Get Out) – JoJo

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JoJo, Feminist OG.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. What You Waiting For? – Gwen Stefani

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“Mum, what’s a stupid ho?”

Nostalgia Power: 7

 

  1. Push The Button – Sugababes

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Getting in a lift/elevator was never the same again.

Nostalgia Power: 9

 

  1. Buttons – The Pussycat Dolls (not feat. Nicole Scherzinger at this point, officialy)

 

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Inventors of the slut drop.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

 

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Kelly Clarkson was very nearly the first concert I ever went to, only I couldn’t find a companion. Shocking.

Nostalgia Power: 7

  1. 4ever – The Veronicas

 

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Listening to this on The Waltzers was my dream thanks to She’s The Man. Still dreaming.

Nostalgia Power: 6

 

  1. 1 Thing – Amerie

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Still trying to master that Turkey Gargle.

Nostalgia Power: 9

  1. Me & U – Cassie

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Cassie come back! This would be #2 in Banger Power order. Timeless.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. We Belong Together – Mariah Carey

 

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Wentworth Miller’s appearance in the music video had my new found hormones all over the place.

Nostalgia Power: 7

 

  1. Glamorous – Fergie

 

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The perfect word to describe how you felt with your quiff up, hoops in, listening to your iPod Nano on the bus.

Nostalgia Power: 9

 

  1. Promiscuous – Nelly Furtado

 

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#3 Banger Power.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. Hips Don’t Lie – Shakira

 

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Released around the time I was obsessed with tampon humour and took ‘I’m on tonight, my hip’s don’t lie’ a literal too literal.

Nostalgia Power: 10

  1. Come Back To Me – Vanessa Hudgens

 

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Maybe if Baby V hadn’t tarnished her squeaky-clean Disney image, I really think she could have outshone Miley.

Nostalgia Power: 4

  1. Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Daughter To Father) – Lindsay Lohan

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Lindsay got deep with her daddy issues and expressed her pain through her music, rather than cocaine consumption on credit. That was the latter part of the noughties.

Nostalgia Power: 5

 

  1. Stars Are Blind – Paris Hilton

 

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When Paris wasn’t at work selling Salty Anal Weiner Burgers on the Simple Life, she was dropping bangers like this.  This would have gone to #1 if it wasn’t Paris. People need to leave rich, white women alone.

Nostalgia Power: 9

 

  1. Headstrong – Ashley Tisdale

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Ashley Tisdale walking the red carpet in a dress and jeans combo has still got me feeling something to this day. Get you a girl who can do both OG.

Nostalgia Power: 6

  1. Potential Breakup Song – Aly &AJ

 

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Aly and AJ inspired us all to send that ‘You’re jibbed’ text. Which one is Aly? Which one is AJ? Who cares? I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. But there’s no denying that this is an absolute tune.

Nostalgia Power: 8.5

  1. What Hurts The Most – Cascada

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Choosing a Cascada song was like Sophie’s Choice but this one hits you right in the feels.

Nostalgia Power: 5

  1. Umbrella – Rihanna

 

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Umbrella was #1 for about 2/3s of 2007.

Nostalgia Power: 10

  1. I Kissed A Girl – Katy Perry

 

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Sales of cherry chap sticks rocketed.

Nostalgia Power: 8.5

  1. Just Dance – Lady Gaga

 

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YASSSSSSS GAGA. YOU LOOK SO YOUNG.

Nostalgia Power: 9

  1. In For The Kill – La Roux

 

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I really appreciated La Roux’s first album. I did not appreciate people teling me I looked like her.

Nostalgia Power: 7

 

  1. Party In The USA – Miley Cyrus

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Back when Miley was still Hannah Montana and posing topless beneath a sheet was her biggest controversy. Oh and some pretty racist Myspace pics.

Nostalgia Power: 8

  1. Tik Tok – Ke$ha

 

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Fun Fact: Before Ke$ha, I actually didn’t know who Mick Jagger was.

2016 has been awful for Ke$ha, I hope 2017 treats her good.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 Always remember, Pop music saves lives & Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman.

XOXO

Smashton Fierce

Poverty Princess on Tear-Jerking Pop Songs

10 Pop Songs Perfect for Pondering Dying Alone

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Do you ever get that feeling where you just stop feeling at all? You’ve been through all the motions; frustration, distress, regret, heartbreak. All you want to do is cry, but not a single tear will form in the corners of your eyes. I find this lack of feeling usually resonates in 3 different circumstances:

  1. When you finally give up chasing after the one who’s just never going to want you back.
  2. When you realise that the one you’re with is no longer the one that you want.
  3. When you’ve begged them to stay, but they leave you anyway.

I’ve much more experience with the first and I’ll always remember my friend telling me I just needed to cry, grieve the loss and move on. But no matter how hard I tried, I just could not cry. If you can’t get past Step 1 then you’ve got no chance of passing Step 3.

Until now.

If this compilation of tear-jerkers doesn’t unclog your blocked tear-ducts, then you’re well and truly dead inside. There’s no bringing you back to life now. Rest in peace.

I’m joking. There’s still hope.

Put your earphones in. Turn the lights off. And cry my friend. Let it all out.

Wake up in the morning. Put your mask on. Get on with your day.

And repeat.

  1. Lies – Marina & The Diamonds

 

 

Sob Scale: 9/10

Perfect for when you realise the Bastard whose led you on for months is just not that into you.

Best listened to with your face pressed against the bus window whilst it is raining.

Strongest Lyrics:

You’re too proud to say that you’ve made a mistake

You’re a coward ’til the end

I don’t wanna admit, but we’re not gonna fit

No, I’m not the type that you like

Why don’t we just pretend?

  1. Just A Little Bit Of Your Heart – Ariana Grande

 

Sob Scale: 6/10

Perfect for when you finally understand that the one you love is never going to give you exclusivity and you wish you could be okay with that.

Best listened to with your back pressed against a radiator, drinking a glass of mulled wine in winter. Knee-high socks and oversized jumper optional.

Strongest Lyrics:

I know I’m not your only

But at least I’m one

I heard a little love

Is better than none.

  1. Everytime – Britney Spears

 

Sob Scale: 7/10

Perfect for when you regret screwing someone over and finally see how foolish you were to let them go.

Best listened to in the bath of course!

Strongest Lyrics:

I may have made it rain

Please forgive me

My weakness caused you pain

And this song’s my sorry

At night I pray

That soon your face will fade away.

  1. Love Without Tragedy/ Mother Mary – Rihanna

 

 

Sob Scale: 8.5/10

Perfect for when you look back on the monster that you wasted years on, and although he almost destroyed you, from time to time you wonder if they’ve changed and if it could work this time.

Best listened to laying across the backseat of a car, being driven down a motorway at night.

Strongest Lyrics:

You used to be this boy I loved

And I used to be this girl of your dreams

Who knew the course of this one drive

Injured us fatally

You took the best years of my life

I took the best years of your life

Felt like love struck me in the night

I pray that love don’t strike twice.

  1. Grand Piano – Nicki Minaj

 

Sob Scale: 7.5/10

Perfect for when you receive an intervention from your friends who are sick of seeing you cry over a loser.

Best listened to in bed, trying to fall asleep at night, spooning a pillow.

Strongest Lyrics:

Am I being a fool?

Wrapped up in lies and foolish truths

What do I see in you?

Maybe I’m addicted to all the things you do

Cause I keep thinking you are the one who came to take claim of this heart

Cold-hearted, shame you’ll remain just afraid in the dark.

  1. Better – Banks

 

Sob Scale: 9.5/10

Perfect for when you can’t get over someone who is in love with someone else.

Best listened to walking through the woods when it’s really, really windy.

Strongest Lyrics:

How couldn’t you see

All the water’s cold, cold, cold, cold, cold….

While you lied to me

You hide in your hole, hole, hole, hole, hole…

And why

Don’t you see?

Baby try

Try to see

Yeah, try, yeah

I can love you better than she can.

  1. Until We Bleed – Lykke Li

 

Sob Scale: 10/10

Perfect for when you miss the one you kept trying to fix and hoping they’re doing better now.

Best listened to jogging alongisde a river at night when it is foggy. With the occasional passing car’s headlights shining on you like a spotlight.

Strongest Lyrics:

Doors slam

Lights black

You’re gone

Come back

Stay gone

Stay clean

I need you to need me

So we’re bound to linger on

We drink the fatal drop

Then love until we bleed

Then fall apart in part.

  1. Breathe Me – Sia

 

Sob Scale: 9/10

Perfect for when you still haven’t recovered from the one that you always thought was going to save you, leaving you.

Best listened to walking through the city centre at midnight, wrapped up in a huge scarf.

Strongest Lyrics:

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me

Wrap me up, unfold me

I am small, and needy

Warm me up, and breathe me.

  1. If I Were A Boy – Beyoncé

 

Sob Scale: 5/10

Perfect for when you still hurt from all the lying and the cheating.

Best listened to cycling around the park in Summer on a rented bike.

Strongest Lyrics:

It’s a little too late for you to come back

Say it’s just a mistake

Think I’d forgive you like that

If you thought I would wait for you

You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy

You don’t understand

Yeah you don’t understand

How it feels to love a girl someday

You’ll wish you were a better man

You don’t listen to her

You don’t care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted

Cause you’ve taken her for granted

And everything you have got destroyed

But you’re just a boy…

  1. Dancing On My Own – Robyn

 

Sob Scale: 8/10

Perfect for questioning why you were just never good enough for that ex.

Best listened to in a club at the end of the night, when you’re an absolute mess and have lost all your friends.

Strongest Lyrics:

So far away, but still so near

(The lights go on, the music dies)

But you don’t see me standing here

(I just came) to say goodbye

I’m in the corner

Watching you kiss her

Oh oh oh

I’m giving it my all

But I’m not the girl you’re taking home

Ooh ooh ooh

I keep dancing on my own (I keep dancing on my own)