Disney Princesses – The All Stars
Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the most inspirational Disney Princess of them all?
Given the chance, almost all of us would ‘Wish Upon a Star’ or rub a Genie’s lamp to trade lives with a Disney Princess. We all have our favourites. Some of us get teary-eyed just hearing the intro to ‘Tale As Old As Time’, others spent the majority of their childhood thrashing about in the bath imitating a mermaid. But which Princesses’ should we truly aspire to be and who got by with sheer luck and good fortune?
Aurora was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and a marriage already arranged to a Prince. She didn’t earn her crown; her blood was royal. Then Bad-Bitch of the year Maleficent showed up and rained all over her parade.
The poor-little-rich-girl is doomed to spend the first 16 years of her life disguised as a peasant, to keep her safe. Then the dumb blonde goes and gets tricked by none other than Maleficent herself. She has a mishap with a sewing and spends the majority of her film napping. Prince Phillip slips her the tongue and all is hunky-dory again.
- Snow White
Fair enough Snow White is an orphan whose wicked step-mother tries to have her beheaded because she was couldn’t face what she saw in the mirror. Must have been cheaper to hire a Huntsman rather than a dermatologist.
But other than escape death what else does Snow White actually do? Dances with dwarves, belts out a ballad with birds and proves that an apple a day really does keep the doctor away – Did the dwarves not know how to dial 999? Once again a Prince with a thirst for necrophilia turns up and saves the day.
The OG pretty, orphan girl. Cinders is tortured by her step-mother and step-sisters but maintains a positive outlook, good on ya girl.
But does she do anything proactive to get herself out of the sticky situation? Does she call Social Services? Does she murder them all and become the star of a Netflix Series?
Nope. She has a little sob and a fairy-god mother shows up and hands everything to her on a plate. The girl can’t even keep a kitten heel on her foot for more than a couple of hours, for Gods’ sake.
Verdict: Nice girl, no drive.
Jasmine has a great body and prefers poor bad-boys to snobs who are rich in wealth, but poor in personality. She also has a pet tiger, that’s pretty cool. That’s pretty much it. Wasn’t a big fan of Aladdin to be fair.
Verdict: Nice Hair
At the start of the film this little mermaid literally saves a man’s life. She’s the anti-Cinderella, dissatisfied with her life but does something about it – with or without Daddy’s approval. However, that something does involve selling her voice to a sea-witch.
Ariel silences herself for a man that doesn’t even recognise her. What’s a girl got to do to get you to notice her Eric!? How about save your ass from drowning!? Oh wait, she already did that!!!
She did also gets her dad turned into floating goo.
Verdict: Thinks with her vagina, not her brain.
Elsa’s parents took the ‘Little girls with powers should be neither seen nor heard’ approach to parenting a bit too seriously; so it’s no wonder this poor girl has issues. It’s stressful enough hosting pre-drinks, let alone a Coronation after many years of solitary confinement. Throw in your little sister letting the first guy who can harmonise put a ring on it, then of course you’re going to have a meltdown and storm off to an ice fortress in the mountains.
All reasonable reactions here.
Creating an actual snow monster and almost murdering your sister? A tad OTT.
She’s also the first Disney to princess to need no man.
Verdict: Probably has a Tumblr.
Like Elsa, Rapunzel spends most of her life locked in a room after being kidnapped by another old hag who just really needed some Botox. The girls got wit, brains and packs a punch with a frying pan. She’s not afraid to take risks and stays calm in a crisis.
Her thief of a fella hacks off her beautiful, blonde locks leaving her with a boring, brown bob and she forgives him.
If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.
He also kills her mother/captive, but to be fair she had it coming.
Verdict: Never tell her she belongs in a kitchen, unless you like your face served not so sunny-side-up.
I’m going to be honest, I turned Brave off half-way through – I was really tired and the Scottish Accent was so thick that I needed subtitles but couldn’t find me glasses. What I did see was Merida sticking to her guns and not buckling under the pressure to marry coming at her from all angles. She also had mad skills with a bow and arrow.
However, I did hear she turned her mum into a bear.
From what I witnessed, she kind of deserved it.
Verdict: Ginger Katniss Everdeen
Disney really doesn’t give us gingers much credit do they? I’d just like to clarify that not all of our deepest desires are to give the first man we meet a Happy Ending. Some of us are Meridas.
Rushing into a wedding Kim-K style aside, Anna’s a sassy, determined girl who sacrifices her own life to save her sister. The same sister who almost killed her, twice.
She also loves a sandwich, can’t tell the difference between excitement & trapped wind and doesn’t wake up flawless. Just like the rest of us.
Verdict: Naïve but relatable.
A free-spirit who like Jasmine who has no time for arranged marriages or her daddy’s approval. But when her blue-eyed Bae asks her to leave her life and family behind, unlike Ariel she refuses.
Pocahontas rejects prejudice and stops an actual war – that’s enough to get her in the top 5 in my opinion.
Verdict: Peace-Keeping, Tree-Hugger.
Belle appreciates a good book and can spot a fuck-boy from a mile away. She taught a beast how to love and well; she’s certainly not shallow. In exchange for her father’s freedom she gives her own and only sulks about it for like five minutes.
No man will ever control her.
The Beast summons her to dinner, she refuses. Commands her to stay out of the West Wing, goes anyway.
Bestiality aside she’s a good girl and she knows it – Drake could probably pen a whole album about her.
Verdict: Beauty with brains.
Disney’s first black princess Tiana has an incredible work ethic, she knows exactly what she wants and she gets it through hard-work and determination. I’m late for work daily and I live a ten-minute walk away. She puts up with her BFF’s poor-little-rich-white-girl probs and never complains. She calls Naveen out on his BS and is always on hand with a reality check. When the voodoo villain offers to make her dreams come true she refuses. I would have done it for a fiver.
Even after marrying a Prince, she keeps her humility and remains in the hospitality industry, albeit as a restaurant owner not a supervisor at Spoons.
She also could have been voiced by Beyoncé, had she been humble enough to audition. Maybe Queen Bey could learn a thing or two from Tiana.
Verdict: Could teach Rihanna the real meaning of Work.
If anyone is shocked or disagrees with this then, “I want to forgive you and I want to forget you”.
Mulan refuses to conform to gender stereotypes, cheats on tests and is declared a dishonourable disgrace by a matchmaker. A girl after my own heart.
When her dad is summoned back to war despite still suffering from the severe injuries he sustained in the previous one, Mulan speaks up and calls BS on conscription. Her ungrateful father shames her for it. Does she mope around like Elsa? Nope, this girl chops her locks off, binds her breasts, armours up and rides off into war.
What a heroine.
After fooling all the idiots in her division, proving them wrong and saving their lives with initiative and a rocket, they disown her once they find out she’s a woman. A woman whose more than proved her capability. Even Shang is a shady shit, but lets be honest he was likey suffering from some internal homophobia at the time.
Does she give up and go home? No, she chases after them and defeats the Huns, not only saving their lives AGAIN, but also the Emperor’s and the whole of fucking China!
What does a girl have to do to earn her place on the merchandise people!? Racist Bastards.
She doesn’t even get a crown, not that she needs one.
Don’t aspire to be like a Princess girls, aspire to be like Fa Mulan.
Verdict: Queen of Fucking everything.
I also feel I need to acknowledge Esmeralda and Megara who, if they had Princess status / were included in the picture I used at the beginning of this article, would have been my #3 and #2, respectively.
Esmeralda the kind-hearted gypsy almost gets burnt at the stake standing up for what she believes in. Yeah she swerved Quasimodo for a solid 10 but the heart wants what it wants.
Megara the good-girl-gone-bad-gone-good sold her soul to save her man’s life – then gets left for another woman anyway! Megara who then gives her life to save the man she loves. The man who just so happens to be the only one powerful enough to stop Hades and the Titans. Mulan saved China, Meg basically saved the world.
Also, I’mma let you finish… but Meg had the greatest Disney solo of all time.
Girl, you can’t deny it.