Poverty Princess on the Definitive Albums of the ***Noughtie$***

The Holy Quaternary of Albums

Definition of Quaternity, plural Quaternities:  a union of a group or set of four

I realise Trinity sounds so much better but I couldn’t leave one out.

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  1. Good Girl Gone Bad – Rihanna

Good Girl Gone Bad took Rihanna from R&B Pop Princess to fully fledged mainstream Queen. Umbrella was the definitive song of 2007. Your parents were sick to death of hearing it and your grandparents blamed Rihanna for ‘one of the wettest summers’ they’d ever seen. I was obsessed with this album. Rihanna released 5 singles from it and then rereleased the whole album as Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded with three new singles. I’ve never felt anticipation stronger than when I was waiting for the music video to Disturbia

The tour for this album was my first ever concert. I took my friend as an apology for putting her in a neck brace in Italy, after an unfortunate accident in a toboggan. It was amazing. The concert. Not the neck brace casualty.

Rehab is in my Top 10 Rihanna songs. There’s no better song to listen to when you’re having a cigarette in the rain, feeling dramatic and considering quitting.

Breakin’ Dishes is also one of the most underrated Rihanna songs of all time & would be my go to in a lip sync for my life.

 

  1. Blackout – Britney Spears

It’s Britney Bitch may be the most iconic quote of the noughties. Blackout was released on my birthday and brought out a side in me that I thought only existed in strippers. 2007 was an absolutely dire year for Britney; divorce, head-shaving, custody battle, hospitalization, pink wigs, no knicker parties with Hilton and Lohan and an awful British Accent. Her performance with an umbrella almost eclipsed Rihanna’s. Yet Blackout is probably one of her pivotal, most consistent albums.

Blackout was fun, sexy and her retaliation to the media and it’s treatment of her over the years. The whole theme fit in perfectly with the car-crash that was her life at the time.

I will never get over the time I shuffled my iPod and Break the Ice came on straight after Katy Perry’s Ur So Gay:

“PENIS.”

“…It’s been a while.”

I was 13 and immature and laughed for days.

Unfortunately, Britney was in no fit state to tour Blackout but 2 years later my poor father drove me, and my now neck brace-free friend, all the way to London for the greatest comeback tour the world of Pop has ever seen: The Circus.

Throughout the tour, in true Britney style, she greeted Manchester by telling them ‘I’m so excited to be here in London’, forgot to turn her microphone off and announced to the audience that ‘MY PUSSY IS HANGING OUT” and had her extensions ragged out when they got caught in a couch as she was being levitated by a sex swing.

QUEEN.

 

  1. The Fame – Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga came out of nowhere and The Fame changed the Pop game forever. It was before she wore the meat dress, before she hatched out of that bloody egg and before the Fame became the Fame Monster. The controversy became too much and her shock value was destroyed to the point that people would have been more shocked had she came out wearing some high waist skinnies and a GAP jumper.

However, The Fame will forever be in the cannon of Pop Culture, as will Gaga herself. The Fame was hands down one of the greatest pop debut albums of all time. She brought disco stick into our vocabulary and made us look at that Bernard Matthews turkey ham in the fridge in a very different way.

I bought tickets to see the Pussycat Dolls when their star was beyond fading and they now featured Nicole Scherzinger, simply because Gaga was supporting. My companion was an hour late with the tickets and I only saw the very end of Just Dance. I knew I should have gone with neck brace.

 

  1. I Am Sasha Fierce – Beyoncé

Without Sasha, Smashton Fierce would never exist. Words will never do this album justice. Sasha Fierce cemented Beyoncés icon status. I’mma let ya’ll finish but Beyoncé had the most memorable album of all time, well definitely of the Noughties. I’m yet to see Sasha in the flesh. I don’t think I’m ready for that jelly and tbh don’t think I ever will be. I literally will die (play Save the Hero at my funeral or someone’s getting Haunted).

This album speaks for itself so I don’t have to, after all she is Sasha Fierce and I am a mere mortal.

 

& The Best Live Performance Goes To…

 

No words necessary. Just look at Rihanna’s reaction.

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The 90s were incredible. Britney Spears debuted her first album, The Spice Girls were formed and a Sabrina the Teenage Witch was everything. You know who doesn’t get enough credit? The Noughties. The Pussycat Dolls had us loosening up the buttons on our denim mini-skirts whilst listening to their songs, downloaded using Limewire, on our Motorola flip phones. Beyoncé went solo, Island girl Rihanna migrated to America and Britney …. well we all know what Britney did. Given a toss-up between spending an eternity in either decade, I honestly don’t know which one I’d choose. Who am I kidding? The Simple life gave me life and Paris Hilton released a single in the noughties. I know exactly which one I’d choose. I cannot wait to order a cheap, synesthetic blonde wig, oversized sunglasses and a fake Louis V for my Paris Costume for the 00s party I’m attending this February.

Here’s a playlist of Divas to enjoy at your very own Noughtie’s inspired slumber party, get the Bacardi Breezers in girls, because you’re worth it.

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  1. Oops!…I Did It Again – Britney Spears

 

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The hardest decision of my life was choosing between this & Lucky as the opening act.

Nostalgia Power: 10/10

  1. Don’t Let Me Get Me – P!nk

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P!nk taught all 90s babies the meaning of teenage angst before they even knew what hormones were. She gave us the perfect outlet for raging at our mum for not getting us the LG chocolate for Christmas.

Nostalgia Power: 6.5/10

 

  1. Love Don’t Cost A Thing – Jennifer Lopez

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Jenny from the Block was representing big booties before Kimmy K was even organising Paris’ wardrobe.

Nostalgia Power: 4/10

 

  1. Dirrty – Christina Aguilera

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If your parents caught you dancing to Christina with your Ethel Austin’s knickers pulled up above your ripped jeans then you weren’t allowed to play out for like a week.

Nostalgia Power: 9/10

 

  1. All The Things She Said – t.A.T.u

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“Mum, what’s a lesbian?”

My favourite song of all time.

Fond memories of my friend CWR texting the DJ at the silent disco in Leeds, “t.A.T.u please.”  “t.A.T.u and I’ll show my tits.” “ t.A.T.u or I’ll bomb.” “ WHY YOU NO LIKE RUSSIAN LESBIANS.”

Also screaming at a girl friend in the toilet at a party that she didn’t have time to wipe because I could hear the intro coming from the DJ booth.

Nostalgia Power: 10/10 (If you disagree, you’re lying)

 

  1. Sk8er Boi – Avril Lavgine

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Most Noughties song title of all time.

Nostalgia Power: 7.5

 

  1. Wake Up – Hilary Duff

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I’m with her.

Nostalgia Power: 7

 

  1. Sound Of The Underground – Girls Aloud

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No wet-play at Primary School was complete without a Girls Aloud dance routine for the Dinner ladies.

Nostalgia Power: 6/10

 

  1. Superstar – Jamelia

 

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Anthem of every school disco.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. Baby Boy – Beyoncé

 

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Dutty Wining since ’03.

Nostalgia Power: 7.5

  1. Milkshake – Kelis

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Grab a McDonalds Banana shake and shake those hips.

Nostalgia Power: 10/10

  1. (There’s Gotta Be) More To Life – Stacie Orrico

 

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If you don’t remember this one don’t ever return to this site again.

Nostalgia Power: 6.5

 

  1. Pieces Of Me – Ashlee Simpson

 

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Perfect for sitting next to the landline all day, every day.

Nostalgia Power: 7

 

  1. These Words – Natasha Bedingfield

 

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Every day I pray for the words ‘Natasha Bedingfield is making a comeback”.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. You Had Me – Joss Stone

 

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Back in the days when Joss’ man was her biggest concern, not whether her head was going to remain firmly on her shoulders or not.

Nostalgia Power: 5

 

  1. Dip It Low – Christina Milian

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Christina Milian, the most underappreciated Diva of all time. She is the Mulan of the music industry. If this playlist was in order of Banger Power rather than chronological, Dip It Low would be #1.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. Leave (Get Out) – JoJo

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JoJo, Feminist OG.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. What You Waiting For? – Gwen Stefani

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“Mum, what’s a stupid ho?”

Nostalgia Power: 7

 

  1. Push The Button – Sugababes

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Getting in a lift/elevator was never the same again.

Nostalgia Power: 9

 

  1. Buttons – The Pussycat Dolls (not feat. Nicole Scherzinger at this point, officialy)

 

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Inventors of the slut drop.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

 

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Kelly Clarkson was very nearly the first concert I ever went to, only I couldn’t find a companion. Shocking.

Nostalgia Power: 7

  1. 4ever – The Veronicas

 

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Listening to this on The Waltzers was my dream thanks to She’s The Man. Still dreaming.

Nostalgia Power: 6

 

  1. 1 Thing – Amerie

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Still trying to master that Turkey Gargle.

Nostalgia Power: 9

  1. Me & U – Cassie

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Cassie come back! This would be #2 in Banger Power order. Timeless.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. We Belong Together – Mariah Carey

 

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Wentworth Miller’s appearance in the music video had my new found hormones all over the place.

Nostalgia Power: 7

 

  1. Glamorous – Fergie

 

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The perfect word to describe how you felt with your quiff up, hoops in, listening to your iPod Nano on the bus.

Nostalgia Power: 9

 

  1. Promiscuous – Nelly Furtado

 

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#3 Banger Power.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 

  1. Hips Don’t Lie – Shakira

 

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Released around the time I was obsessed with tampon humour and took ‘I’m on tonight, my hip’s don’t lie’ a literal too literal.

Nostalgia Power: 10

  1. Come Back To Me – Vanessa Hudgens

 

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Maybe if Baby V hadn’t tarnished her squeaky-clean Disney image, I really think she could have outshone Miley.

Nostalgia Power: 4

  1. Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Daughter To Father) – Lindsay Lohan

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Lindsay got deep with her daddy issues and expressed her pain through her music, rather than cocaine consumption on credit. That was the latter part of the noughties.

Nostalgia Power: 5

 

  1. Stars Are Blind – Paris Hilton

 

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When Paris wasn’t at work selling Salty Anal Weiner Burgers on the Simple Life, she was dropping bangers like this.  This would have gone to #1 if it wasn’t Paris. People need to leave rich, white women alone.

Nostalgia Power: 9

 

  1. Headstrong – Ashley Tisdale

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Ashley Tisdale walking the red carpet in a dress and jeans combo has still got me feeling something to this day. Get you a girl who can do both OG.

Nostalgia Power: 6

  1. Potential Breakup Song – Aly &AJ

 

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Aly and AJ inspired us all to send that ‘You’re jibbed’ text. Which one is Aly? Which one is AJ? Who cares? I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. But there’s no denying that this is an absolute tune.

Nostalgia Power: 8.5

  1. What Hurts The Most – Cascada

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Choosing a Cascada song was like Sophie’s Choice but this one hits you right in the feels.

Nostalgia Power: 5

  1. Umbrella – Rihanna

 

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Umbrella was #1 for about 2/3s of 2007.

Nostalgia Power: 10

  1. I Kissed A Girl – Katy Perry

 

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Sales of cherry chap sticks rocketed.

Nostalgia Power: 8.5

  1. Just Dance – Lady Gaga

 

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YASSSSSSS GAGA. YOU LOOK SO YOUNG.

Nostalgia Power: 9

  1. In For The Kill – La Roux

 

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I really appreciated La Roux’s first album. I did not appreciate people teling me I looked like her.

Nostalgia Power: 7

 

  1. Party In The USA – Miley Cyrus

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Back when Miley was still Hannah Montana and posing topless beneath a sheet was her biggest controversy. Oh and some pretty racist Myspace pics.

Nostalgia Power: 8

  1. Tik Tok – Ke$ha

 

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Fun Fact: Before Ke$ha, I actually didn’t know who Mick Jagger was.

2016 has been awful for Ke$ha, I hope 2017 treats her good.

Nostalgia Power: 10

 Always remember, Pop music saves lives & Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman.

XOXO

Smashton Fierce

Poverty Princess VS Hangovers From Hell

It’s a well-known fact that the older you get, the longer the hangover lasts. I go too hard on the £10 Prosecco in Spoons on a Thursday, I don’t recover till a Sunday afternoon. You also lose control of your mind, body and soul a lot easier. Last Thursday, under the influence of the Spoons Prosecco, I laughed so hard a bit of pee came out. Just a tad, so it doesn’t count as full on wetting myself. I did however stay at my main chick’s Jenny’s after and have to go commando for uni the next day, which is degrading enough. I haven’t veeted since October 30th and nobody makes jeans with my waist size and leg length combo, so it was a risky game until my dad dropped underwear off at my nans at 2.30pm. I was taking my niece to a Christmas Fayre where the children had gathered to see Father Christmas’ beard, not a Poverty Princess’ pubes.  The good thing about Raymond Ashton? He never asks questions.  On the Sunday I got so drunk I left my phone in an Uber and had to bribe the driver to return it with a tenner. I then had the screaming craps for two days.

Thought the duration is longer, I will never experience a hangover quite like the time I mineswept in Mojos and hit a bomb. I was 18 and poor, working for £2.50 and hour in a hairdressers. A glass of red winked at me and the next minute it was four hours later and I was vomiting over my friend’s shoulder in Heebies Courtyard. Before it got all fancy with tables and chairs. I proceeded to vomit in a taxi and woke up on my friend’s bedroom floor, swimming in piss. I then had to go straight to Hope Street in all his clothes, underwear included, to do a street performance of mute volleyball. I was rolling on the cobbles in the pouring rain, jaw swinging. Still somehow managed to wing a Merit in Community Arts. Community Colleges are the definition of getting points for showing up. Whether under the influence of unwanted Ket or not.

There is also the time in Kavos, after skinny dripping with a stranger, I was so fucked I couldn’t open the door to the apartment and thought my friends had been proper snids and locked me out .Really I was just pushing a door that needed to be pulled. I passed out on a sun lounger and woke up as a lobster with third degree burns. Turned into a proper boss tan though.

No matter how drunk/hungover I get, I always wake up the next day glad I’m not my friend. Let’s call her, Susan*. She’s the momma of hangovers.

We all know a Susan. Susan loves a bev. She likes cider, wine and vodka. All at the same time. Susan once climbed on the counter of Krunchy Fried Chicken and tried to exchange an iPhone for chicken, yelling ‘It’s a good phone, just take it!’. Her mum woke her up the next day on her doorstep. Susan once simultaneously vomited and farted on my thigh as I was burping her outside Baa Bar. She’s also done this on a motorway on the way to an airport, after going round too many roundabouts. Susan gets travel sick on the 82 to town, add in a hangover and its game over. Susan once vomited in a plastic bag on a coach with a locked toilet from Edinburgh to Manchester, she didn’t get to empty it until Glasgow. Susan once vomited in the teeny, tiny gap that used tickets go in on a train home from the Warehouse Project, after turning 50 shades of green. Susan disappeared at Leeds Festival ’10 with Spiderman and later text her friends pretending to be at the Silent Disco, describing it as ‘Fun Init’. Susan is a real messy bitch. Also, the word pashmina reminds her of vagina.

Susan is now a full-time bar maid who pole dances for fun. Init.

The hangover tale I’m about to share with you now is a verbatim voice note my friend Anthony Edwards* shared with me, regarding his mother of all hangovers;

“This is a voice message, about the time when I fell asleep in Mojo. So it was just like any other night really. I come home from London, where I was studying, and it was Ella Minani’s* birthday. So, we decided to have drinks in Ella’s house. So we are having a good time, dancing around, taking pictures. You know, what cool people do. So we were just chilling and things got fun, you know, just having a little bevvy. Time goes on, we go into town, have a little boogie. But what we drank earlier, it wasn’t… it wasn’t enough. So, one thing that escapes me however, I think… I’m not sure if this same evening we met… so, me Lucky* and Margaret* and Persian Princess are having pre-drinks in Persian Princess’ house and we went into town and there I think we met Elsa* and Sparky*. I think this was second year.  So me,  Elsa and Marcus are in Heebies’ Basement, having a good time, probably some banger came on, we all went to the dancefloor, we were all sitting down in one of the arches. Just chilling, having a little rest from our boogie… and Sparky spots a baggy on the floor. We go and pick up the baggy. Excitedly. And then we all decide together, in a group effort, that it would be a good idea to have some of the baggy. We do. So we have the baggy and we’re like let’s change place, so we go to Mojo. Cause in Mojo you can steal. We’ve already stolen drugs, we might as well steal drinks from other people. We do this, dance on tables and have a great time.

I’m now drunk. And maybe drugged. And maybe been Rohyphnoled as well. So I decide to go to the toilet. And I guess that’s all I remember. I went to the toilet … and I guess that was my final resting place for the evening. I lock myself in and no one knew where I was. My friends not being boys, didn’t go into the toilet to find me because they just couldn’t. And they thought I’d disappeared. They left the club and went to … erm, what’s it called? That bar on the top of Bold Street, with the sign outside? I can’t remember what it’s called right now. They go there.

So my mum, having not heard from me, is worried and decides to get the car into town. She goes to this bar which my friends are at and starts questioning them as to where I am. They don’t know. They thought that I’d gone home and that I’d be with her. I wasn’t. At this point I wake up in the bar, in the toilets of Mojo. Disorientated. Phone in hand. I then proceed to leave the toilets like, ‘What the fuck? Where am I? What time is it?’. I hope to find other revellers in the club. There are none. The club is empty. I try to go out the front door. The grid is closed. I am panicking now. I then escape through the back entrance next to the bar. I emerge, well I don’t remember the journey from Mojo to the Bombed-Out Church, but I arrive at the Bombed-out Church and there was my mother in her Jaguar. I got in and I was taken home. I cried. I got home and saw my sister. I cried and I hugged her. The end.”

 

Moral of the blog? Don’t minesweep. Don’t do drugs. Don’t go to Mojos.

Especially don’t do abandoned drugs off the floor.

Also Mojo needs to do a more thorough toilet check at the end of the night.

If anyone wants to buy the rights to the tales of Mojo and turn it into a film, please e-mail me.

It’s a Sunday afternoon so I’m going to leave you to your own hangovers now, have a peaceful duvet death.

Happy vommin’.

 

XOXO

*All names have been changed to protect my friends who are now fully functioning adults, kind of.

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Poverty Princess feat. Gossip Girl

Where has he been?

Ed Westwick.

And what’s the gender of Blake Lively’s second child?

That’s one secret Ryan Reynolds will tell.

XOXO

Gossip Girl.

Hey Upper-East siders,

Gossip Girl here. Has it really been 4 long years since I took my early retirement and traded in Balls at the Empire for long weekends at the Hamptons? How time flies when you’re having fun, family-friendly fun. A little less sipping Scotch with Golden boy and riding Vespas with S, a little more baby-sitting for everyone’s favourite former Queen B turned Full-Time Yummy Mummy. From time to time, I do miss the drama, everyone knows Gossip Girl loved nothing more than a Cat-Fight on the Met Steps and a love-child shaped bomb dropped at a party.

For one blast only, I am logging-in for the last time and revealing the secrets my sources have shared since my departure. Listen up and listen good – this is the grand finale. It’s time to cease with the endless e-mails. Your useless tips and pathetic Spottings are completely irrelevant to me, once I click that Post button one last time.

Since I already succeeded in my mission to transition from Lonely Boy to the Ultimate Insider, rather than resume blasting my family, friends and wife, I going to share with you the 411 on the faces behind them. I’ve included pictures as some of these pretty, little faces haven’t seen the light of day since 2012.

Here’s looking at you Ed Westwick. Times have been dark since he was able to utter those three words, ‘I’m Chuck Bass’. Guess he never knew that’s all he would ever be.

I’ll hand you over to my most incessant informer @SmashtonFierce I’m a married man now and I just don’t have the time or willpower TBH.  It’s been 4 years – Gossip Girl is dead and she’s never coming back, just like Bart Bass. Get over it Perez 2.0.

XOXO

Gossip Dan

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Leighton Meester

The Queen Bitch crown fitted Leighton perfectly, so why she moved onto more family-friendly roles I’ll never understand. Every film she has ‘starred’ in has flopped, alongside her attempt at a music career. That I am more shocked by, everyone knows it’s tough for TV actresses to establish themselves in the film industry, but her music was actually pretty mediocre. Good Girls Go Bad was a banger and Your Love’s a Drug was just as good as Ke$ha’s song of a similar title. She did do a collaboration with the skin-crawling Robin Thicke so maybe it was Karma that stumped the sales of her LP Heartstrings.

She did get to do Broadway with James Franco and that is one thing I am jealous of, though I would have appreciated it more in the days of Freaks and Geeks, rather than the Creeps and Instagram era he stars in now.

I guess life really does imitate, Leighton popped out a beautiful baby just like Blair. Who’s the Daddy? None other than Seth Cohen. So I guess in a way Blair Waldorf did get her prince after all. There’s not a lot I wouldn’t do to share a Californian King Bed with Adam Brody.

EXCLUSIVE Leighton Meester and Adam Brody their daughter Arlo Day along for a hike

Words of Wisdom: Consider yourself dethroned Leighton Meester. Cute family though. Release a few more bangers and your career could be resurrected. Maybe.

Blake Lively

Let’s face it, if you only had one word to describe Blake Lively what would it be? Beautiful? Probably. Talented? Probably not. But when did you ever need talent to make it in Hollywood when you have a face like Blake Lively.

My Main Chick J-Hoz created a game where you imagine there is a Hunger Games Style Event where the whole world is gathered and after the sound of a buzzer, you have to utter the name of someone to swap bodies with. Whoever says the name first, gets that body. You don’t want to hesitate and fuck that up because all the best people will be claimed in the first millisecond. The first name that springs to mind is Blake and I always win.

Blake has done a couple of films and they haven’t been terribly received. I personally thought Shallows looked shit and a number of friends text me once they saw the trailer informing me of how dire and right up my street it looked. They weren’t wrong, I love a shit film, but I have yet to make time for Shallows. Age of Adaline was alright, however I was very depressed eating a jar of olives on a couch in Spain when I watched it, so maybe my fond memory is just of the olives. The film is basically a makeover montage of her looking pretty in beautiful gowns with her hair in popular styles of different decades. She also gets struck by lightning whilst drowning. Twice.

Blake released a red lipstick with L’Oreal which actually looks quite cute underneath a nude shade, Bobbi Brown Uber Beige to be specific – the greatest nude of all time. After Breezy’s of course. Combined together, a lovely Frozen Strawberry effect is created, perfect for XOXOs underneath the mistletoe. She also started a Martha Stewart/Gwenyth Paltrow style website called Preserve, then shut it down a year later because she felt it wasn’t ready. Ironic name choice.

The blonde beauty aimed higher than Penn Badgely and married Ryan Reynolds. That statement is debatable if Penn had frozen in the Easy A era when he was a solid 10. Blake made an adorable pregnancy announcement and little baby Girl James was born, apparently Ryan makes cute jokes about her on Twitter. Be sure to check them out if you’re into bland man humour. He also accidentally revealed the sex of their second child in an interview, I couldn’t tell you what that sex is because I forgot to care and click the link.

Other than that, Blake starred in a Woody Allen film, got called racist for posting a booty focused picture of herself on Instagram captioned ‘LA face with an Oakland Booty’ and hung-out with Regina George in sheep’s clothing. I refuse to use Regina’s real name; she’ll probably sue me. Snake.

Surprisingly controversial for ‘just a pretty face’.

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Words of Wisdom: Stay pretty. Blake will probably be relevant for a few more years at least. Beyoncé gave her a cameo in the trailer for the On the Run tour, Kelly Rowland wasn’t even it and she still pops up from time to time. Poor Michelle wasn’t neither, but no surprises there.

Penn Badgely, Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick

It says a lot that these three share a subheading.

Last I heard on Penn he sings in some lame indie band, has been spotted multiple times wandering around with a skateboard and hangs-out with Ryan Phillipe, who left his relevance in the 90s. That’s all folks.

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Words of Wisdom: Do something. Anything.

Scrolling through Chace Crawford’s Wikipedia page I noticed the words ‘worked as a car valet to make ends meet’, I assumed that was what he was doing now and was shocked to see it under the Early life and education section. He was in an episode of Glee as Quinn’s college boyfriend if I remember correctly. According to Wiki he’s done some films I’ve never heard of and was a lead in a primetime soap-opera that was cancelled after 10 episodes.

He drew all the short straws in Gossip Girl, Nate was the least developed character stuck in a never ending cycle of storylines of him being played by a girl, smoking a J, sleeping around and repeat. I can’t say I am at all surprised by his lack of success. 10/10 would bang though.

A photo shoot of Chace Crawford by Lennon. Photo by: Lennon_Shooting Star

Words of Wisdom: Beautiful boy who should go back to modelling in cowboy-themed photoshoots. Should make a career out of taking his top off, it worked for Zac Efron.

I named my rabbit after Chuck Bass. It’s dead now. Like Ed’s American Dream.

I had to unfollow him on Instagram because he tried to sell ‘All About that Bass’ t-shirts when that bitch Meghan Trainor was in the charts and he kept tagging Victoria’s Secret in pictures of him pouting and ‘jokingly’ asking for a job.

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Words of Wisdom: Be grateful that the whole Chuck-Blair/ Edward-Bella/Fifty Shades of Grey abusive relationship was relationship goals for a weird, dragged-out period and you got your 15 minutes. I bought Chalet Girl on DVD, you stood no chance. And I want my £10 back.

Taylor Momsen

Little J jumped the sinking ship that was Gossip Girl earlier than the rest and I think the Pretty Reckless actually do alright in their genre? I liked the first album and went the tour, she covered Love The Way You Lie, I was 17 to be fair. I don’t know, I just hope she’s calmed down and stopped burning dogs’ uteruses. There’s a new album on Spotify, I’m probably not going to listen to it.

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Words of Wisdom: Rock on chick.

Jessica Szohr

Honestly, does anyone care? I’m not Googling her. She was in The Carrie Diaries. It got cancelled. Boo-hoo.

  
Words of Wisdom: N/A.

I’m sorry if some of these comments are too critical but GG never played nice, so actually I’m not sorry at all. I am what Dan Humphrey made me.

I wonder what Dorota’s up to? Apparently Lily and Rufus have a real-life romance and she’s having a nightmare custody battle? Michelle Trachtenberg has probably popped up in some other series, I hope she’s doing well – Georgia was the only character I really liked in the end. Eric died in Revenge.

I think we can all agree Blake won in terms of post-show success and Gossip Girl will always be the pinnacle of their careers. At the time it was such a fun show and iconic to our teenage years. It perfect for a Sunday hangover binge. Maybe they’ll make a film one day or a Netflix Original series? 

I doubt it.

xoxo

Poverty Princess on Food for Thought

Apologies for the cliché, but I really do like my men how I like my coffee.  My favourite? Americano with just a dash of milk. Solely black coffee is just as nice but I rarely drink milk alone.

I dated an American guy for 12 hours over summer. It was a rare sunny day, we went for cocktails on the docks and sat near the water smoking Malboro Lights. It was probably the best date I’ve ever been on but I was torn between whether to kiss or not to kiss. He was the first guy I genuinely liked in over a year but it was more than just an attraction. He interested me, something that few men ever do. I decided not to kiss, I preferred to stay in touch as friends rather than blur the lines and never speak again. I also got so drunk and high that I couldn’t keep my chin off my chest and vomited in Sound Bar’s newly refurbished toilets. Lovely tiles.

As I walked away from his Travelodge, my invisible sock slipped of my heel. Strangely enough for the first time that day. It usually happens at least ten times – a part of my soul dies forever with each slip, buried in a deep pit of cringe at having to get my revolting feet out on Taggart Avenue. It felt very symbolic – I haven’t seen him since.

Flapjacks are grainy and beige. I hate beige but I bloody love flapjacks. The crème de le crème of flapjacks can actually be found in Home & Bargain. 29 pence each and they come in 4 different flavours: plain for the basics, yoghurt covered for the sweet, cherry for the promiscuous and chocolate for the tough. I love them. Love them. Tasty, nutritious treats that encourage healthy bowel movements. What’s not to love?

My life was changed by Hot Sauce. These days, I don’t just have hot sauce in my bag, swag, I have it in my noodles, as a dip with crisps and poured over a roast. I adore the feeling of fire in my mouth, like Listerine it burns you just to the right degree. Aldi does a kickin’ Hot Pepper Sauce but I recommend you avoid it at Rack & Dollar. In the 3 months I worked there I often to forgot to refrigerate it and left the bottles overnight in the cutlery cupboard that stinks of actual shit due to the pipes from the toilet running through them. I mean truly stinks, I can still smell it now and I got all my coats dry-cleaned when I quit. Hot Sauce brought the light back into my life that I didn’t even know had gone out. Thanks Bey, I dream of the day we share a bottle poured over a Red-Lobster after a purely platonic chat, not a good fuck. I love you and all but I just don’t think I’m ready for your jelly.

I despise Red Onion a.k.a Satan’s toe-nail clippings. At my college graduation, I was approached by three scally lads in baa bar’s toilets. They were trying to get into my friends and I guess they thought that by peer-pressuring me into joining them for a line I would help them on that never-happening quest. Not wanting my head flushed down the toilet, I participated without asking questions. Who knows what it was but it certainly blinded my vision so much that I didn’t notice the red onion intruding on my Krunchy Fried Chicken burger. I spent the taxi home holding my gal-pal Lorna’s hand and spitting out the car window – and I never spit.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes, perfect for that basic white, chubby girl who longs for a Queen Bee Title. The girl who tells you what you should think of her rather than let you decide for yourself. The girl who does not use her influence for good. The girl who’s at that awkward stage of trying so hard to be someone they are clearly not rather than embrace who they truly are. Self-absorbed to the core. Drama Queen. If asked to described themselves in one word – quirky. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being chubby, own it. Sooner or later the mask will slip and its best to take it off now before you completely lose what’s underneath.

I’ve never been able to gain weight in my life. There was period before I moved to Spain when my face got round but after 9 months of stress-induced diarrhoea brought on by Fuck-boy #1, I was skinnier than I’d ever been before. Unhealthily skinny. So much so that when I was flown home for Easter, shivering cold and unable to pick up my 3-year-old niece due to the severe pain in the joints in my arms and shoulders, my mother forced me to break my vegetarian lifestyle with a bacon butty.

I ate it behind the couch, sat with my back pressed against the radiator but still my front shivered. I would love to have a bit of chub to keep me warm at winter but it doesn’t seem to be happening anytime soon so I have just blown £300 on warm bedding and thick pyjamas in the Black Friday sales. I paid for it by credit card of course, that’s something for 2017 to deal with it. May it be a better year than 2016.

Kylie Jenner was right, 2016 was the year of realising things! Four for you Kylie Jenner! You go Kylie Jenner! And none for Donald Trump.

My Predictions for 2017? Rob Kardashian will get thin again, Lindsay Lohan will get an Oscar and Chris Brown will win a Nobel Peace Prize. If 2016 taught me anything, it’s that anything is possible.

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Poverty Princess on Scriptwriting

Writing for the screen and stage is hard. I’m much more accustomed to writing about real life and people I actually now. However, I am really interested in having a career in Screenwriting. I would love to write a series equivalent to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, just without the vampires – they’re so 2009 and The Vampire Diaries is one of the few series I’ve actually given up on. Team Stefan or Team Damon? Team kill them all. Especially bloody Bonnie.

Vampires aside, the show had a lot of heart. The themes and issues it tackled were always handled with class and it had strong women and members of the LBGT community at its core. I aspire to write a similar series with a gay character as it’s lead, just not a shit 40 minute comedy, full of stereotypes, that ends up on BBC 3. May it RIP.

Here are some extracts of the scripts I’ve worked on as part of my Creative Writing Degree. They don’t format great on here but what’s a girl to do?

Laura’s Monologue 

For this task we worked in groups, we were all given a piece of paper with the headings:

  • Sex
  • Age
  • Good Qualities
  • Bad Qualities
  • Deepest Desire
  • Biggest Fear

We all had to contribute an answer to one of these headings without seeing what the other members had wrote.

We ended up with a 16 year old girl who makes friends easily but is a bit of a gossip. She longs for her best friends to get fat; causing her boyfriend to leave her and get with Laura instead. She also has a phobia of hot-water bottles.

I decided to write a monologue in the style of Mean Girls’ but from the POV of a Chanel #5 (Scream Queens) type character.

Dear Diary,

I haven’t experienced pain like this since that time I ordered a hot water bottle from Bed, Bath & Beyond and Beyond turned into 16 hours in the emergency room. I don’t want to go into too much detail on that subject but I just wanted to feel a warm touch. I did not want to end up with blistering burns and a scar the size of Kim Kardashian’s ass. Unlike Kim’s ass I didn’t break the internet; I just broke my hymen.

Today was the worst day of my life. Period. My supposed BFF Naomi totally blew me off after Gym! She didn’t even have the decency to message me privately. She dropped the bomb in the group WhatsApp, publically humiliating me in front of Tiffany and Amber. We don’t even like them that much, but they have their uses.

Tiffany’s uncle married some old crone who’s high up in the Starbucks business so she gets us our Pumpkin Spice Lattes half-off. Love it! Amber’s only redeeming quality is that she’s an extremely talented shop-lifter, specialising in nail polish. Last week she got some real good shit from Sephora and I’m now the proud owner of the full Nars range. Including but not limited to Chinatown, Jungle Red and Night Flight. The ironic thing is I won’t even wear  half the heinous shades because I’m a total Autumn.

Anyway, back to the Whatsapp that ruined my life, Naomi messaged saying; “Can’t do lunch today bitches I’ve got an appointment to get my eyebrows shaped hair flip emoji”. LIAR! She was not shaping her eyebrows ! She was actually shaping up to be a pretty, sneaky whore!

She was actually blowing me off so that she could blow Kyle Carmichael off in the parking lot behind the science labs. Only the same Kyle Carmichael who has liked all my profile pictures since Summer 2014 and I wasn’t even that cute then. Naomi isn’t even that pretty, before she discovered bulimia she looked like a moose. A BIG FAT MOOSE WITH A UNBROW AND CANKLES.

I have to go now because my soul hurts. Who knows if you’ll ever hear from me again, I survived my broken hymen but I don’t know what good a tampax and an Aspirin will do for a broken heart.

TTFN

Laura

x

Hopeless

For this one the class brain-stormed characters and we had to bring them together in a soap-style drama set at Hope University. We were given a character each to develop further and I was given John-James.

JJ is a good-mannered, 19 year old Fresher who is craving independence. His overbearing mother, Irish Roman Catholic Janice, has got a job as a janitor on campus to keep a close watch over him. This proves problematic as JJ is an out gay man, just not to his mother. His dad left his mum when JJ was 5 due to the breakdown of their marriage, leading to Janice developing a drinking problem. Presently she has been 5 years sober but will J-J coming out push her over the edge?

His older sister Katherine, 29, came out as a lesbian when JJ was 10 and Janice kicked her out of the house. Their relationship is strained to say the least. JJ’s friend Louisa lives in halls and has recently suggested JJ moves in because her room-mate was kicked out after having been found selling drugs on campus. JJ would love nothing more to have the chance to explore his new found-freedom living away from home, but he’s worried how his mum will cope on her own.

Other groups decided Helena is a hardcore feminist. Professor Foxe is next in line for Head of the History Department and it is rumoured he has been having inappropriate relationships with students, Helena included. Marie-Lynne is a failed actress turned Drama Teacher, jealous of her twin  brother’s success. The new Dean Marshall is a British Muslim, she’s career driven and the youngest Dean the University has ever had. She hides two secrets: she is Professor Foxe’s love-child on a revenge mission and she’s pregnant. Leon is an unpopular student who gets paid to do work for other students, he recently found a Journal written by Professor Foxe that will expose him as a Nazi-Sympathiser.

Drama, please!

Interior – Katherine’s Car

The lever that controls the position of JJ’s seat has broken so he slides back and forward every time the car turns a corner.

‘Blondie – Call Me’ plays on the radio

Katherine: You’re going to have to tell her at some point, I know she’s a self-centred bitch but I’m pretty sure she’ll notice if you move out.

JJ: I am going to tell her, I just, I feel bad.

Katherine: Why!? For God’s sake JJ, you need to stop being such a mummy’s boy and grow some balls. What have you got to feel bad about?

JJ: Dad left her, you left….

Katherine: I had to leave!

JJ: How is she going to be able to afford the rent by herself?

Katherine: That’s not your problem. She’s a grown woman, you’re 19 years old.

JJ: Well what am I supposed to tell her?

Katherine: Just text her now – “Listen Ice Queen, I can’t deal with your shit anymore. You’re a failure as a mother. I’m moving out, oh and by the way I’m Gay. Kiss-Kiss-Kiss. Former apple of your eye JJ’.

JJ: (Laughs) Yeah okay, I can just hear her now – (Imitating an Irish Accent) “My sons a fag!? My sons a fag! Mary Jesus and Joseph. These Bastard kids will be the death of me. (fake crying) What did I do to deserve this Lord? Oh god I’m going to die alone. Please, give me strength. (Mimes the Holy Cross)

They laugh as Caitlin pulls up to the university campus.

Katherine:  Shit! Speak of the devil and she shall appear. Get out. Quick!

Janice is outside raking up leaves. She notices her children and raises her hand as a gesture of an awkward wave. Katherine fake smiles and gives her the finger. She leans across JJ and opens his door, kisses his cheek and pushes him out.

Exterior – University Campus

JJ walks over to Janice.

Janice: I see your sister hasn’t changed.

JJ: Not now Mum. I’m late for work, Helena’s going to kill me.

Janice: Is Helena the girl who wears the short skirts but doesn’t shave her legs? I just don’t understand these “modern girls”. When I was young we kept our shaven legs closed and our bibles open.

JJ: Goodbye mother.

JJ starts walking towards the SU Bar.

Janice: (shouts) John James text me if you’re going to be home later than 11! You know I can’t sleep till you’re home. And if that Helena tries to dock your pay tell her to shove a Gilette up her..

JJ: (Shouts) Mum!

Exterior – The Student Union

Helena is waiting outside, hands on her hips. She’s wearing a black work skirt with no tights and her legs are hairier than ever.

Helena: You’re late.

JJ: I’m sorry.

He holds the door open and gestures for Helena to go first.

Helena – You sick, masochistic pig. What, because I’m a woman I can’t open a door myself? You know what James, I really thought you were different, but you’re just like the rest of them.

Helena barges past him

JJ – Whatever you say Hagrid.

Student Union Kitchen

Helena is pouring wine into glasses whilst JJ ties his apron and puts on a tie.

Rihanna – We Found Love plays quietly on a radio.

Helena: You’re on wine waiting. There’s a new first year ,Leon, already out there with the cheese. He hasn’t listened to a thing I’ve said and doesn’t know the difference between Gouda and Mozzarella. I’ve been busy too busy covering for you to induct him properly.

She shoots JJ and stern look and hands him a tray of glasses and a bottle of wine.

Helena: Foxe will only drink Merlot, Marie-Lynne will drink whatever you put in front of her and the new Dean has declined the last two glasses but offer her one again, it is her event after all. Got it?

JJ opens his mouth to speak.

Helena: Good, get out there.

JJ struggles trying to balance his tray and open the door at the same time.

Helena moves him out of the way and holds the door open with a smug smirk.

JJ exits.

 

The Middle

 

This week we looked at describing movement and were asked to write something from the mid-point of a story. I decided on a How To Get Away With Murder inspired opening scene for a Drama series pilot.

Exterior – Apartment door

The door is numbered 3.

 

Interior – Apartment

A woman (20-24) is found with her back to the camera in front of a sink and open window. She is wearing a red-dress, unzipped at the back.

Close up of her dark hair pinned up in a doughnut bun, a few strands hang loose blowing in the breeze that comes in from the open window.

Noise can be heard from the street below. Traffic, people shouting, wind.

A police siren grows louder then fades away.

A television can be also heard in the background.

Close up of the woman’s hand.

She is wearing an engagement ring and appears to be pouring wine down the kitchen sink.

 

Exterior – Car Park

Camera cuts to a boy (16-18) standing outside a building, right knee bent and foot pressed to the wall.

He is smoking a cigarette and looking around nervously.

Camera changes to a wide-shot and we see he is outside a petrol station.

Someone is paying for their petrol at the cashier.

 

Interior – Petrol Station

Camera focuses behind customer, cashier in shot.

The back of his head obstructs our view of the counter.

A Television on a shelf above the cashier is showing the local news.

Cashier: Pump number?

Customer: Number 3 and can I get…

Speech cuts out.

 

Exterior – Car Park

Close up of Boy’s face.

He has the last pull of his cigarette and then throws it on the floor.

Close up of his foot stamping it out.

He is wearing Nikes.

He pulls up the hood of his jacket and the camera follows him from behind towards the shop.

 

Interior – Dark Bar

Loud noise – people talking etc.  Elvis – Suspicious minds is playing.

Close up of a white snooker ball, behind it is the tip of a cue and in the foreground the face of a man (30-34).

Camera focuses in clearer on the man’s face.

He has blonde hair and is unshaven.

The top button of his shirt open, and a tie hangs loosely from his collar.

A blonde girl (16-17) appears from behind him, she crouches down and puts her mouth close to his ear and arm drapes her harm  over his shoulder.

She is clearly intoxicated and wearing heavy make-up.

Intoxicated Girl: Don’t fuck it up.

The man turns his head to face her and smiles.

She raises her glass to his mouth.

Half empty, Jack Daniels and coke.

She tipples it into his mouth then places the empty glass on the side of the table.

He licks his lips and without looking at the table draws back the cue and hits the white ball.

A close up of ball number 3 bouncing of the far side of the table and into the pocket in front of the glass.

The woman jumps for joy, spins around and her shoulder bag knocks the glass to the floor.

 

Interior – Apartment

Close up of shattered glass on the floor next to dark-haired woman’s bare feet.

News Reporter on TV: The body has been identified as 20-year-old student Connor Anderson.

The woman is looking at the TV, left hand over mouth.

 

Interior – Petrol Station

The hooded boy lurks in an aisle near a freezer, pretending to read the label on a tub of Ice-Cream.

Customer exits.

He storms to the till and removes his hood.

Once he reaches the cashier, he hesitates and reaches inside his jacket.

 

Interior Bar-

The intoxicated girl is kissing the man from the pool table.

A young man (20-24), dark hair, smart jacket and scarf appears and drags her away by the arm.

Dark-Haired Man: We need to leave. Now.

The news report plays on a television above the bar behind them.

Inaudible but shows a news reporter standing in the woods and the words ‘Body of local student Connor Anderson found in woods’ scroll across the bottom the screen.

Camera shot from above, the two characters look directly into the lens and the girl’s face drops.

Blonde Man: Maybe you should leave and she can stay here with me.

Pulls at the girl’s other arm.

She turns to face him.

She has a terrified expression and tears in her eyes.

 

Interior – Petrol Station 

The boy pulls a mobile phone from the inside pocket of his jacket.

Close up of the phone pressed to his head.

Pause.

Camera zooms out and the boys head raises to look at the TV.

 

Interior – Apartment

The woman lowers her hand holding a  phone from her ear and allows the phone to slip through her fingers.

Close up of the phone amongst the shattered glass.

A young man (20-14) enters from bedroom.

He is only wearing boxer shorts and runs his hands through his messy hair.

He is not wearing an engagement ring.

Man: Did you just smash something?

The woman’s looks at him but she remains completely still.

Dark-Haired Woman: They’ve found him.

She begins to cry.

Dark-Haired Woman: They’ve found him Jack. What are we going to do?

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Poverty Princess on Tear-Jerking Pop Songs

10 Pop Songs Perfect for Pondering Dying Alone

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Do you ever get that feeling where you just stop feeling at all? You’ve been through all the motions; frustration, distress, regret, heartbreak. All you want to do is cry, but not a single tear will form in the corners of your eyes. I find this lack of feeling usually resonates in 3 different circumstances:

  1. When you finally give up chasing after the one who’s just never going to want you back.
  2. When you realise that the one you’re with is no longer the one that you want.
  3. When you’ve begged them to stay, but they leave you anyway.

I’ve much more experience with the first and I’ll always remember my friend telling me I just needed to cry, grieve the loss and move on. But no matter how hard I tried, I just could not cry. If you can’t get past Step 1 then you’ve got no chance of passing Step 3.

Until now.

If this compilation of tear-jerkers doesn’t unclog your blocked tear-ducts, then you’re well and truly dead inside. There’s no bringing you back to life now. Rest in peace.

I’m joking. There’s still hope.

Put your earphones in. Turn the lights off. And cry my friend. Let it all out.

Wake up in the morning. Put your mask on. Get on with your day.

And repeat.

  1. Lies – Marina & The Diamonds

 

 

Sob Scale: 9/10

Perfect for when you realise the Bastard whose led you on for months is just not that into you.

Best listened to with your face pressed against the bus window whilst it is raining.

Strongest Lyrics:

You’re too proud to say that you’ve made a mistake

You’re a coward ’til the end

I don’t wanna admit, but we’re not gonna fit

No, I’m not the type that you like

Why don’t we just pretend?

  1. Just A Little Bit Of Your Heart – Ariana Grande

 

Sob Scale: 6/10

Perfect for when you finally understand that the one you love is never going to give you exclusivity and you wish you could be okay with that.

Best listened to with your back pressed against a radiator, drinking a glass of mulled wine in winter. Knee-high socks and oversized jumper optional.

Strongest Lyrics:

I know I’m not your only

But at least I’m one

I heard a little love

Is better than none.

  1. Everytime – Britney Spears

 

Sob Scale: 7/10

Perfect for when you regret screwing someone over and finally see how foolish you were to let them go.

Best listened to in the bath of course!

Strongest Lyrics:

I may have made it rain

Please forgive me

My weakness caused you pain

And this song’s my sorry

At night I pray

That soon your face will fade away.

  1. Love Without Tragedy/ Mother Mary – Rihanna

 

 

Sob Scale: 8.5/10

Perfect for when you look back on the monster that you wasted years on, and although he almost destroyed you, from time to time you wonder if they’ve changed and if it could work this time.

Best listened to laying across the backseat of a car, being driven down a motorway at night.

Strongest Lyrics:

You used to be this boy I loved

And I used to be this girl of your dreams

Who knew the course of this one drive

Injured us fatally

You took the best years of my life

I took the best years of your life

Felt like love struck me in the night

I pray that love don’t strike twice.

  1. Grand Piano – Nicki Minaj

 

Sob Scale: 7.5/10

Perfect for when you receive an intervention from your friends who are sick of seeing you cry over a loser.

Best listened to in bed, trying to fall asleep at night, spooning a pillow.

Strongest Lyrics:

Am I being a fool?

Wrapped up in lies and foolish truths

What do I see in you?

Maybe I’m addicted to all the things you do

Cause I keep thinking you are the one who came to take claim of this heart

Cold-hearted, shame you’ll remain just afraid in the dark.

  1. Better – Banks

 

Sob Scale: 9.5/10

Perfect for when you can’t get over someone who is in love with someone else.

Best listened to walking through the woods when it’s really, really windy.

Strongest Lyrics:

How couldn’t you see

All the water’s cold, cold, cold, cold, cold….

While you lied to me

You hide in your hole, hole, hole, hole, hole…

And why

Don’t you see?

Baby try

Try to see

Yeah, try, yeah

I can love you better than she can.

  1. Until We Bleed – Lykke Li

 

Sob Scale: 10/10

Perfect for when you miss the one you kept trying to fix and hoping they’re doing better now.

Best listened to jogging alongisde a river at night when it is foggy. With the occasional passing car’s headlights shining on you like a spotlight.

Strongest Lyrics:

Doors slam

Lights black

You’re gone

Come back

Stay gone

Stay clean

I need you to need me

So we’re bound to linger on

We drink the fatal drop

Then love until we bleed

Then fall apart in part.

  1. Breathe Me – Sia

 

Sob Scale: 9/10

Perfect for when you still haven’t recovered from the one that you always thought was going to save you, leaving you.

Best listened to walking through the city centre at midnight, wrapped up in a huge scarf.

Strongest Lyrics:

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me

Wrap me up, unfold me

I am small, and needy

Warm me up, and breathe me.

  1. If I Were A Boy – Beyoncé

 

Sob Scale: 5/10

Perfect for when you still hurt from all the lying and the cheating.

Best listened to cycling around the park in Summer on a rented bike.

Strongest Lyrics:

It’s a little too late for you to come back

Say it’s just a mistake

Think I’d forgive you like that

If you thought I would wait for you

You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy

You don’t understand

Yeah you don’t understand

How it feels to love a girl someday

You’ll wish you were a better man

You don’t listen to her

You don’t care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted

Cause you’ve taken her for granted

And everything you have got destroyed

But you’re just a boy…

  1. Dancing On My Own – Robyn

 

Sob Scale: 8/10

Perfect for questioning why you were just never good enough for that ex.

Best listened to in a club at the end of the night, when you’re an absolute mess and have lost all your friends.

Strongest Lyrics:

So far away, but still so near

(The lights go on, the music dies)

But you don’t see me standing here

(I just came) to say goodbye

I’m in the corner

Watching you kiss her

Oh oh oh

I’m giving it my all

But I’m not the girl you’re taking home

Ooh ooh ooh

I keep dancing on my own (I keep dancing on my own)

Poverty Princess on Disney Princesses

Disney Princesses – The All Stars

 

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the most inspirational Disney Princess of them all?

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Given the chance, almost all of us would ‘Wish Upon a Star’ or rub a Genie’s lamp to trade lives with a Disney Princess. We all have our favourites. Some of us get teary-eyed just hearing the intro to ‘Tale As Old As Time’, others spent the majority of their childhood thrashing about in the bath imitating a mermaid. But which Princesses’ should we truly aspire to be and who got by with sheer luck and good fortune?

  1. Aurora

Aurora was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and a marriage already arranged to a Prince. She didn’t earn her crown; her blood was royal. Then Bad-Bitch of the year Maleficent showed up and rained all over her parade.

The poor-little-rich-girl is doomed to spend the first 16 years of her life disguised as a peasant, to keep her safe. Then the dumb blonde goes and gets tricked by none other than Maleficent herself. She has a mishap with a sewing and spends the majority of her film napping. Prince Phillip slips her the tongue and all is hunky-dory again.

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Verdict: Irrelevant
  1. Snow White

Fair enough Snow White is an orphan whose wicked step-mother tries to have her beheaded because she was couldn’t face what she saw in the mirror. Must have been cheaper to hire a Huntsman rather than a dermatologist.

But other than escape death what else does Snow White actually do? Dances with dwarves, belts out a ballad with birds and proves that an apple a day really does keep the doctor away – Did the dwarves not know how to dial 999? Once again a Prince with a thirst for necrophilia turns up and saves the day.

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Verdict: Bore
  1. Cinderella

The OG pretty, orphan girl. Cinders is tortured by her step-mother and step-sisters but maintains a positive outlook, good on ya girl.

But does she do anything proactive to get herself out of the sticky situation? Does she call Social Services? Does she murder them all and become the star of a Netflix Series?

Nope. She has a little sob and a fairy-god mother shows up and hands everything to her on a plate. The girl can’t even keep a kitten heel on her foot for more than a couple of hours, for Gods’ sake.

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Verdict: Nice girl, no drive.
  1. Jasmine

Jasmine has a great body and prefers poor bad-boys to snobs who are rich in wealth, but poor in personality. She also has a pet tiger, that’s pretty cool. That’s pretty much it. Wasn’t a big fan of Aladdin to be fair.

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Verdict: Nice Hair
  1. Ariel

At the start of the film this little mermaid literally saves a man’s life. She’s the anti-Cinderella, dissatisfied with her life but does something about it – with or without Daddy’s approval. However, that something does involve selling her voice to a sea-witch.

Ariel silences herself for a man that doesn’t even recognise her. What’s a girl got to do to get you to notice her Eric!? How about save your ass from drowning!? Oh wait, she already did that!!!

She did also gets her dad turned into floating goo.

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Verdict: Thinks with her vagina, not her brain.
  1. Elsa

Elsa’s parents took the ‘Little girls with powers should be neither seen nor heard’ approach to parenting a bit too seriously; so it’s no wonder this poor girl has issues. It’s stressful enough hosting pre-drinks, let alone a Coronation after many years of solitary confinement. Throw in your little sister letting the first guy who can harmonise put a ring on it, then of course you’re going to have a meltdown and storm off to an ice fortress in the mountains.

All reasonable reactions here.

Creating an actual snow monster and almost murdering your sister? A tad OTT.

She’s also the first Disney to princess to need no man.

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Verdict: Probably has a Tumblr.
  1. Rapunzel

Like Elsa, Rapunzel spends most of her life locked in a room after being kidnapped by another old hag who just really needed some Botox. The girls got wit, brains and packs a punch with a frying pan. She’s not afraid to take risks and stays calm in a crisis.

Her thief of a fella hacks off her beautiful, blonde locks leaving her with a boring, brown bob and she forgives him.

If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.

He also kills her mother/captive, but to be fair she had it coming.

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Verdict: Never tell her she belongs in a kitchen, unless you like your face served not so sunny-side-up.
  1. Merida

I’m going to be honest, I turned Brave off half-way through – I was really tired and the Scottish Accent was so thick that I needed subtitles but couldn’t find me glasses. What I did see was Merida sticking to her guns and not buckling under the pressure to marry coming at her from all angles. She also had mad skills with a bow and arrow.

However, I did hear she turned her mum into a bear.

From what I witnessed, she kind of deserved it.

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Verdict: Ginger Katniss Everdeen
  1. Anna

Disney really doesn’t give us gingers much credit do they? I’d just like to clarify that not all of our deepest desires are to give the first man we meet a Happy Ending. Some of us are Meridas.

Rushing into a wedding Kim-K style aside, Anna’s a sassy, determined girl who sacrifices her own life to save her sister. The same sister who almost killed her, twice.

She also loves a sandwich, can’t tell the difference between excitement & trapped wind and doesn’t wake up flawless. Just like the rest of us.

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Verdict: Naïve but relatable.
  1. Pocahontas

A free-spirit who like Jasmine who has no time for arranged marriages or her daddy’s approval. But when her blue-eyed Bae asks her to leave her life and family behind, unlike Ariel she refuses.

Initially.

Pocahontas rejects prejudice and stops an actual war – that’s enough to get her in the top 5 in my opinion.

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 Verdict: Peace-Keeping, Tree-Hugger.
  1. Belle

Belle appreciates a good book and can spot a fuck-boy from a mile away. She taught a beast how to love and well; she’s certainly not shallow. In exchange for her father’s freedom she gives her own and only sulks about it for like five minutes.

No man will ever control her.

The Beast summons her to dinner, she refuses. Commands her to stay out of the West Wing, goes anyway.

Bestiality aside she’s a good girl and she knows it – Drake could probably pen a whole album about her.

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Verdict: Beauty with brains.
  1. Tiana

Disney’s first black princess Tiana has an incredible work ethic, she knows exactly what she wants and she gets it through hard-work and determination. I’m late for work daily and I live a ten-minute walk away. She puts up with her BFF’s poor-little-rich-white-girl probs and never complains. She calls Naveen out on his BS and is always on hand with a reality check. When the voodoo villain offers to make her dreams come true she refuses. I would have done it for a fiver.

Even after marrying a Prince, she keeps her humility and remains in the hospitality industry, albeit as a restaurant owner not a supervisor at Spoons.

Admirable.

She also could have been voiced by Beyoncé, had she been humble enough to audition. Maybe Queen Bey could learn a thing or two from Tiana.

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Verdict: Could teach Rihanna the real meaning of Work.
  1. Mulan

If anyone is shocked or disagrees with this then, “I want to forgive you and I want to forget you”.

Mulan refuses to conform to gender stereotypes, cheats on tests and is declared a dishonourable disgrace by a matchmaker. A girl after my own heart.

When her dad is summoned back to war despite still suffering from the severe injuries he sustained in the previous one, Mulan speaks up and calls BS on conscription. Her ungrateful father shames her for it. Does she mope around like Elsa? Nope, this girl chops her locks off, binds her breasts, armours up and rides off into war.

What a heroine.

After fooling all the idiots in her division, proving them wrong and saving their lives with initiative and a rocket, they disown her once they find out she’s a woman. A woman whose more than proved her capability. Even Shang is a shady shit, but lets be honest he was likey suffering from some internal homophobia at the time.

Does she give up and go home? No, she chases after them and defeats the Huns, not only saving their lives AGAIN, but also the Emperor’s and the whole of  fucking China!

What does a girl have to do to earn her place on the merchandise people!? Racist Bastards.

She doesn’t even get a crown, not that she needs one.

Don’t aspire to be like a Princess girls, aspire to be like Fa Mulan.

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Verdict: Queen of Fucking everything.

I also feel I need to acknowledge Esmeralda and Megara who, if they had Princess status / were included in the picture I used at the beginning of this article, would have been my #3 and #2, respectively.

Esmeralda the kind-hearted gypsy almost gets burnt at the stake standing up for what she believes in. Yeah she swerved Quasimodo for a solid 10 but the heart wants what it wants.

Megara the good-girl-gone-bad-gone-good sold her soul to save her man’s life – then gets left for another woman anyway! Megara who then gives her life to save the man she loves. The man who just so happens to be the only one powerful enough to stop Hades and the Titans. Mulan saved China, Meg basically saved the world.

Also, I’mma let you finish… but Meg had the greatest Disney solo of all time.

Girl, you can’t deny it.

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Amen, Sisters!

x

Poverty Princess on L O V E

You know where you have one of those days at your shitty job in a call centre which concludes with a 40-minute phone call with a 77 year old woman waffling on at you about how her boyfriend is shit in bed and her mum used to beat her with a shoe when she didn’t clean the kitchen floor good enough? Nope? Just me? KK.

Well after one of these particularly shitty Saturdays you just want to go home, have a bath, get emotionally scarred by the latest episode of How to Get Away with Murder then have a very rare early night. You smother your body in Cocoa Butter and smother your face in spot cream. Put on a ‘onesy/onesie/all in one’ that your nan got you for Christmas 2 years ago. Read a chapter of Game of Thrones, a Jon Snow one cos he is an absolute drip who always makes you sleepy (also an absolute SNID in the books btw – not even gonna tell you what he does to Gilly cos it’ll blow your head off). Crawl beneath the covers then BOOM – your mind suddenly decides it’s time to crack some of the worlds unresolved mysteries.

Well tonight my tiny little Caucasian mind just cracked love. Or the lack of it.

So I personally can only think of two girls who have found the real deal L O V E. I regularly mentally practice how I’m going to react when Caitlin Campbell tells me she’s engaged (Spoiler Alert – I cry whilst holding a glass of prosecco in the spoons on the Fiveways). I find myself far too often getting all stressed out when I think about how much money I’m going to have to spend on a FLAWLESS outfit for Jessica Jung’s immaculate wedding (Mark please don’t pop the question any time soon because my savings account is a joke right now). These two gals have somehow managed to find men that even I can’t fault – and I can find a fault in ANYTHING.

Let’s just say if I was around when the word ‘unsinkable’ was being thrown about in terms of the Titanic, then Rose would never have had to let go, ‘cos she would never have boarded that death trap in the first place.

But why out of the many, many gals I know, why can I only think of two?

It’s gotta be the ratio of decent men to full-on fuckboys right? I personally believe that ratio stands at 0.0001:1000000. I’m all about equality and ‘We’ve gotta stop seeing the oppressors as the enemy’. But let’s be honest out of all the men you’ve ever encountered, how many of them can you honestly say you believe are through and through decent human beings? Particularly in terms of how they treat women and act in a relationship? I’m not saying all women are perfect. But if I was to count how many women I’ve come across who I believe are decent human beings through and through, I can think of a hell of a lot more. And I’m not being biased, as I said I can find a fault in anything and anyone.

So if we take the hypothesis that the reason there are so few genuine, real-life L O V E stories out there is down to the fact that a decent man is so hard to find, then of course so many of us women and gays are going to end up in a less than ideal, 21st century shitty, string of one-night-stand excuses for ‘relationships’.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat with a gal pal and helped her over analyse a sporadic message from a stereotypical fuckboy that is never going to give them what they want – sorry for the sickening cringe but –  something real. A real relationship that you can be proud of. A real relationship that doesn’t make you stare in the bathroom mirror for 45 minutes repeating ‘What the fuck am I doing?’.

I can only speak from my experience for the gays but I’m really beginning to wonder if dating exists in the gay community, let alone an authentic, so happy-I-could-throw-up relationship. Once I got over my ‘Woops, I’ve fallen in love with another straight guy’ disease I really did try to throw myself into dating factual gay men.

The first date ended with me being dry humped on a mattress in Smithdown.

The rest that followed – different mattress, different location, same situation. Leading me to just give up and become what I never wanted to become – someone that not only kisses on the first date, but can’t even class it as a first date. I guess it is harder to meet someone coincidentally as a gay man because, well, there’s less of us. It’s less likely you’re gonna go to school, uni or work with your future spouse. If you want to go somewhere where the ratio of gays to straights is higher then you’re just gonna end up getting your leg humped in Navy by some cretin whos breath stinks of £1.50 Jagerbombs and Sterling Freshburst. So no wonder so many gays just end up shagging randoms of Grindr, never speaking to them again and accepting that as the norm.

I think How to Get Away with Murder really accurately represents what it’s like to date in the gay world, this is the dialogue from a scene post Humpr (Grindr) hook-up:

 

“Hey I don’t know if you have plans but we could grab a bite? There’s a great sushi place downstairs actually.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry?”

“This was sex. Not a date.”

“Wow. Okay. You know you’re much nicer on Humpr.”

“That’s cos I wanted to get laid”

“You know what, you’re the problem with the gay community. You know, we all just treat each other like a piece of meat.”

“We’re all the problem with the gay community”

 

Officially over it.

I’m not saying I need or even want a relationship right now but it would be nice to have the option. I’m determined that when the next guy I date, and actually like, suggests ‘we go back to his place’ after the first date – I’ll refuse. Not because I see sex as a weapon but because I’m now afraid I associate sex with people I never plan on seeing again, not someone I see myself having something more substantial with.

Right now I need a little more conversation and a little less touch my body.

Sorry, Ariana.

I don’t know if I’m asking for too much or something that only exists in shitty American Rom-Coms but at the same time all I’m asking for is to find someone where I can put my chin in that crevice between their shoulder and neck and just chill there for a while. Someone who you go to a top of a shit hill with and look at a mediocre sun-set but it all feels really fucking beautiful because you are with them. Anything that makes me feeling anything really, because all the guy’s I’ve ‘dated’ have made me feel fuck all.

I feel like the closest I came to experiencing the whole L O V E thing with was a male friend when I was an extremely messed-up, confused teen. They were straight, obviously, but we spooned a lot and though it never meant the same to them, on some level I got some form of love from him. On some level it was real. The whole situation turned me into a vile version of myself that I came to hate. And though it became a toxic situation that I eventually removed myself from, there was good in it. They genuinely cared for me and were there when I needed. There was a mutual sense of dependency on each other, just not the healthy kind and the love we had for each other just wasn’t the same.

I’ve got way off track here but the moral of the story is find a couple who have the real deal, make sure your sexualities match, pray they break up amicably and pray the rare specimen of decent man falls in love with you too. There’s no point in looking for a single one, because if there’s a decent man around, then they’ve 100% been snatched up already – because that shits too hard to find.

Don’t do that really you snid.

Hoes before Bros.

Goodnight.

XOXO

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Expectations VS Reality

Poverty Princess VS Free Verse Poetry

I don’t have a clue about poetry, but it’s been two weeks since a post and this is all I’ve got.

Nou Mesos

Brown-eyes and basketball,

Chanel and Camel Cigarettes.

Torn technicolour coat,

Hair dye instead of eye-brow tint.

/

Paper crowns,

Cutlery falls.

Puppet Strings,

Fingers interlock, almost.

/

“If you want.”

“If you want.”

“If you want.”

I wish that I didn’t want to.

/

“On the condition that you come visit me to practice English.”

On the condition that this,

On the condition that that.

Unconditional disease.

/

“Obviously for me, is bad.”

 “I’m a good person, I know it.”

 “I try my best for you to be happy.”

“You know I don’t really want a girl.”

/

“Thank you for the laughs.”

This is a fucking joke.

Lust. Love. Never-ending game.

Lapdog. Resentment.

/

Dick.

Heart.

Brain.

Get the fuck out. Leave.

/

“Hi, Mike!”

“Bye Mike!”

“Once again Mike,

See you.”

/

Focus.

Fuck This.

Fuck you.

Edu.

08.11.16

Trump is Red,

Hilary is Blue,

He’s actually won,

Hahahahaha we’re all screwed.

obama