I was three weeks late to my own birth so it astounds me that I’m expected to be on time for anything else. Apparently I came out snarling and covered in eczema so I was rushed off to intensive care or something. To quote my mother, Lady Di, I was the ugliest baby she’d ever seen. Every photo of me in the first few months of my life show a very unhappy, pissed-off baby. I think I was pretty much over life before I’d even left the womb. I didn’t ask to be born and I certainly didn’t ask to be born poor to a family from Speke.
My parents didn’t even have a name for me so I was born naked and nameless. Originally they were going to call me Connor but supposedly the bitch next door stole that name for her unborn sprog, she’d already copied my older brother’s name for her first child and Diane wasn’t playing that game anymore. The doctor/nurse type person who delivered me was called Justin and my nan fancied him so they called me Justin for about 5 minutes. I’ve seen pictures of him, he was a solid 8.5 so maybe that why Diane decided to change it, since I looked like the spawn of Satan and all. I’m not saying my mother is the devil herself but I guess the bitch apple doesn’t fall far from the bitch tree. No tea, no shade. Anyway they stuck me with the name Michael which is very original considering both my parents have brothers called Michael, they must have wanted me to feel unique and special from word go. Maybe there was a gaydar in the delivery room and they took an immediate dislike to me because they decided to use my dad’s name as my middle name, he is unfortunately called Raymond. I think if I ever have a child I’d just call them baby boy or baby girl until they were old enough to choose their own name.
My birth was probably the cruellest event of my life. It has yet to be confirmed but I’m pretty sure my first words were ‘I can’t be assed’. My grandparents were very religious so I got baptised and all that jazz. I hope to God there isn’t a heaven because if I have to spend an eternity as myself I will literally die. Actually, let’s be honest I’m going to hell and I hope to God young Stalin is there, because he was fine AF.