Where has he been?
And what’s the gender of Blake Lively’s second child?
That’s one secret Ryan Reynolds will tell.
Hey Upper-East siders,
Gossip Girl here. Has it really been 4 long years since I took my early retirement and traded in Balls at the Empire for long weekends at the Hamptons? How time flies when you’re having fun, family-friendly fun. A little less sipping Scotch with Golden boy and riding Vespas with S, a little more baby-sitting for everyone’s favourite former Queen B turned Full-Time Yummy Mummy. From time to time, I do miss the drama, everyone knows Gossip Girl loved nothing more than a Cat-Fight on the Met Steps and a love-child shaped bomb dropped at a party.
For one blast only, I am logging-in for the last time and revealing the secrets my sources have shared since my departure. Listen up and listen good – this is the grand finale. It’s time to cease with the endless e-mails. Your useless tips and pathetic Spottings are completely irrelevant to me, once I click that Post button one last time.
Since I already succeeded in my mission to transition from Lonely Boy to the Ultimate Insider, rather than resume blasting my family, friends and wife, I going to share with you the 411 on the faces behind them. I’ve included pictures as some of these pretty, little faces haven’t seen the light of day since 2012.
Here’s looking at you Ed Westwick. Times have been dark since he was able to utter those three words, ‘I’m Chuck Bass’. Guess he never knew that’s all he would ever be.
I’ll hand you over to my most incessant informer @SmashtonFierce I’m a married man now and I just don’t have the time or willpower TBH. It’s been 4 years – Gossip Girl is dead and she’s never coming back, just like Bart Bass. Get over it Perez 2.0.
The Queen Bitch crown fitted Leighton perfectly, so why she moved onto more family-friendly roles I’ll never understand. Every film she has ‘starred’ in has flopped, alongside her attempt at a music career. That I am more shocked by, everyone knows it’s tough for TV actresses to establish themselves in the film industry, but her music was actually pretty mediocre. Good Girls Go Bad was a banger and Your Love’s a Drug was just as good as Ke$ha’s song of a similar title. She did do a collaboration with the skin-crawling Robin Thicke so maybe it was Karma that stumped the sales of her LP Heartstrings.
She did get to do Broadway with James Franco and that is one thing I am jealous of, though I would have appreciated it more in the days of Freaks and Geeks, rather than the Creeps and Instagram era he stars in now.
I guess life really does imitate, Leighton popped out a beautiful baby just like Blair. Who’s the Daddy? None other than Seth Cohen. So I guess in a way Blair Waldorf did get her prince after all. There’s not a lot I wouldn’t do to share a Californian King Bed with Adam Brody.
Words of Wisdom: Consider yourself dethroned Leighton Meester. Cute family though. Release a few more bangers and your career could be resurrected. Maybe.
Let’s face it, if you only had one word to describe Blake Lively what would it be? Beautiful? Probably. Talented? Probably not. But when did you ever need talent to make it in Hollywood when you have a face like Blake Lively.
My Main Chick J-Hoz created a game where you imagine there is a Hunger Games Style Event where the whole world is gathered and after the sound of a buzzer, you have to utter the name of someone to swap bodies with. Whoever says the name first, gets that body. You don’t want to hesitate and fuck that up because all the best people will be claimed in the first millisecond. The first name that springs to mind is Blake and I always win.
Blake has done a couple of films and they haven’t been terribly received. I personally thought Shallows looked shit and a number of friends text me once they saw the trailer informing me of how dire and right up my street it looked. They weren’t wrong, I love a shit film, but I have yet to make time for Shallows. Age of Adaline was alright, however I was very depressed eating a jar of olives on a couch in Spain when I watched it, so maybe my fond memory is just of the olives. The film is basically a makeover montage of her looking pretty in beautiful gowns with her hair in popular styles of different decades. She also gets struck by lightning whilst drowning. Twice.
Blake released a red lipstick with L’Oreal which actually looks quite cute underneath a nude shade, Bobbi Brown Uber Beige to be specific – the greatest nude of all time. After Breezy’s of course. Combined together, a lovely Frozen Strawberry effect is created, perfect for XOXOs underneath the mistletoe. She also started a Martha Stewart/Gwenyth Paltrow style website called Preserve, then shut it down a year later because she felt it wasn’t ready. Ironic name choice.
The blonde beauty aimed higher than Penn Badgely and married Ryan Reynolds. That statement is debatable if Penn had frozen in the Easy A era when he was a solid 10. Blake made an adorable pregnancy announcement and little baby Girl James was born, apparently Ryan makes cute jokes about her on Twitter. Be sure to check them out if you’re into bland man humour. He also accidentally revealed the sex of their second child in an interview, I couldn’t tell you what that sex is because I forgot to care and click the link.
Other than that, Blake starred in a Woody Allen film, got called racist for posting a booty focused picture of herself on Instagram captioned ‘LA face with an Oakland Booty’ and hung-out with Regina George in sheep’s clothing. I refuse to use Regina’s real name; she’ll probably sue me. Snake.
Surprisingly controversial for ‘just a pretty face’.
Words of Wisdom: Stay pretty. Blake will probably be relevant for a few more years at least. Beyoncé gave her a cameo in the trailer for the On the Run tour, Kelly Rowland wasn’t even it and she still pops up from time to time. Poor Michelle wasn’t neither, but no surprises there.
Penn Badgely, Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick
It says a lot that these three share a subheading.
Last I heard on Penn he sings in some lame indie band, has been spotted multiple times wandering around with a skateboard and hangs-out with Ryan Phillipe, who left his relevance in the 90s. That’s all folks.
Words of Wisdom: Do something. Anything.
Scrolling through Chace Crawford’s Wikipedia page I noticed the words ‘worked as a car valet to make ends meet’, I assumed that was what he was doing now and was shocked to see it under the Early life and education section. He was in an episode of Glee as Quinn’s college boyfriend if I remember correctly. According to Wiki he’s done some films I’ve never heard of and was a lead in a primetime soap-opera that was cancelled after 10 episodes.
He drew all the short straws in Gossip Girl, Nate was the least developed character stuck in a never ending cycle of storylines of him being played by a girl, smoking a J, sleeping around and repeat. I can’t say I am at all surprised by his lack of success. 10/10 would bang though.
Words of Wisdom: Beautiful boy who should go back to modelling in cowboy-themed photoshoots. Should make a career out of taking his top off, it worked for Zac Efron.
I named my rabbit after Chuck Bass. It’s dead now. Like Ed’s American Dream.
I had to unfollow him on Instagram because he tried to sell ‘All About that Bass’ t-shirts when that bitch Meghan Trainor was in the charts and he kept tagging Victoria’s Secret in pictures of him pouting and ‘jokingly’ asking for a job.
Words of Wisdom: Be grateful that the whole Chuck-Blair/ Edward-Bella/Fifty Shades of Grey abusive relationship was relationship goals for a weird, dragged-out period and you got your 15 minutes. I bought Chalet Girl on DVD, you stood no chance. And I want my £10 back.
Little J jumped the sinking ship that was Gossip Girl earlier than the rest and I think the Pretty Reckless actually do alright in their genre? I liked the first album and went the tour, she covered Love The Way You Lie, I was 17 to be fair. I don’t know, I just hope she’s calmed down and stopped burning dogs’ uteruses. There’s a new album on Spotify, I’m probably not going to listen to it.
Words of Wisdom: Rock on chick.
Honestly, does anyone care? I’m not Googling her. She was in The Carrie Diaries. It got cancelled. Boo-hoo.
I’m sorry if some of these comments are too critical but GG never played nice, so actually I’m not sorry at all. I am what Dan Humphrey made me.
I wonder what Dorota’s up to? Apparently Lily and Rufus have a real-life romance and she’s having a nightmare custody battle? Michelle Trachtenberg has probably popped up in some other series, I hope she’s doing well – Georgia was the only character I really liked in the end. Eric died in Revenge.
I think we can all agree Blake won in terms of post-show success and Gossip Girl will always be the pinnacle of their careers. At the time it was such a fun show and iconic to our teenage years. It perfect for a Sunday hangover binge. Maybe they’ll make a film one day or a Netflix Original series?
I doubt it.