You know where you have one of those days at your shitty job in a call centre which concludes with a 40-minute phone call with a 77 year old woman waffling on at you about how her boyfriend is shit in bed and her mum used to beat her with a shoe when she didn’t clean the kitchen floor good enough? Nope? Just me? KK.
Well after one of these particularly shitty Saturdays you just want to go home, have a bath, get emotionally scarred by the latest episode of How to Get Away with Murder then have a very rare early night. You smother your body in Cocoa Butter and smother your face in spot cream. Put on a ‘onesy/onesie/all in one’ that your nan got you for Christmas 2 years ago. Read a chapter of Game of Thrones, a Jon Snow one cos he is an absolute drip who always makes you sleepy (also an absolute SNID in the books btw – not even gonna tell you what he does to Gilly cos it’ll blow your head off). Crawl beneath the covers then BOOM – your mind suddenly decides it’s time to crack some of the worlds unresolved mysteries.
Well tonight my tiny little Caucasian mind just cracked love. Or the lack of it.
So I personally can only think of two girls who have found the real deal L O V E. I regularly mentally practice how I’m going to react when Caitlin Campbell tells me she’s engaged (Spoiler Alert – I cry whilst holding a glass of prosecco in the spoons on the Fiveways). I find myself far too often getting all stressed out when I think about how much money I’m going to have to spend on a FLAWLESS outfit for Jessica Jung’s immaculate wedding (Mark please don’t pop the question any time soon because my savings account is a joke right now). These two gals have somehow managed to find men that even I can’t fault – and I can find a fault in ANYTHING.
Let’s just say if I was around when the word ‘unsinkable’ was being thrown about in terms of the Titanic, then Rose would never have had to let go, ‘cos she would never have boarded that death trap in the first place.
But why out of the many, many gals I know, why can I only think of two?
It’s gotta be the ratio of decent men to full-on fuckboys right? I personally believe that ratio stands at 0.0001:1000000. I’m all about equality and ‘We’ve gotta stop seeing the oppressors as the enemy’. But let’s be honest out of all the men you’ve ever encountered, how many of them can you honestly say you believe are through and through decent human beings? Particularly in terms of how they treat women and act in a relationship? I’m not saying all women are perfect. But if I was to count how many women I’ve come across who I believe are decent human beings through and through, I can think of a hell of a lot more. And I’m not being biased, as I said I can find a fault in anything and anyone.
So if we take the hypothesis that the reason there are so few genuine, real-life L O V E stories out there is down to the fact that a decent man is so hard to find, then of course so many of us women and gays are going to end up in a less than ideal, 21st century shitty, string of one-night-stand excuses for ‘relationships’.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat with a gal pal and helped her over analyse a sporadic message from a stereotypical fuckboy that is never going to give them what they want – sorry for the sickening cringe but – something real. A real relationship that you can be proud of. A real relationship that doesn’t make you stare in the bathroom mirror for 45 minutes repeating ‘What the fuck am I doing?’.
I can only speak from my experience for the gays but I’m really beginning to wonder if dating exists in the gay community, let alone an authentic, so happy-I-could-throw-up relationship. Once I got over my ‘Woops, I’ve fallen in love with another straight guy’ disease I really did try to throw myself into dating factual gay men.
The first date ended with me being dry humped on a mattress in Smithdown.
The rest that followed – different mattress, different location, same situation. Leading me to just give up and become what I never wanted to become – someone that not only kisses on the first date, but can’t even class it as a first date. I guess it is harder to meet someone coincidentally as a gay man because, well, there’s less of us. It’s less likely you’re gonna go to school, uni or work with your future spouse. If you want to go somewhere where the ratio of gays to straights is higher then you’re just gonna end up getting your leg humped in Navy by some cretin whos breath stinks of £1.50 Jagerbombs and Sterling Freshburst. So no wonder so many gays just end up shagging randoms of Grindr, never speaking to them again and accepting that as the norm.
I think How to Get Away with Murder really accurately represents what it’s like to date in the gay world, this is the dialogue from a scene post Humpr (Grindr) hook-up:
“Hey I don’t know if you have plans but we could grab a bite? There’s a great sushi place downstairs actually.”
“What are you doing?”
“This was sex. Not a date.”
“Wow. Okay. You know you’re much nicer on Humpr.”
“That’s cos I wanted to get laid”
“You know what, you’re the problem with the gay community. You know, we all just treat each other like a piece of meat.”
“We’re all the problem with the gay community”
Officially over it.
I’m not saying I need or even want a relationship right now but it would be nice to have the option. I’m determined that when the next guy I date, and actually like, suggests ‘we go back to his place’ after the first date – I’ll refuse. Not because I see sex as a weapon but because I’m now afraid I associate sex with people I never plan on seeing again, not someone I see myself having something more substantial with.
Right now I need a little more conversation and a little less touch my body.
I don’t know if I’m asking for too much or something that only exists in shitty American Rom-Coms but at the same time all I’m asking for is to find someone where I can put my chin in that crevice between their shoulder and neck and just chill there for a while. Someone who you go to a top of a shit hill with and look at a mediocre sun-set but it all feels really fucking beautiful because you are with them. Anything that makes me feeling anything really, because all the guy’s I’ve ‘dated’ have made me feel fuck all.
I feel like the closest I came to experiencing the whole L O V E thing with was a male friend when I was an extremely messed-up, confused teen. They were straight, obviously, but we spooned a lot and though it never meant the same to them, on some level I got some form of love from him. On some level it was real. The whole situation turned me into a vile version of myself that I came to hate. And though it became a toxic situation that I eventually removed myself from, there was good in it. They genuinely cared for me and were there when I needed. There was a mutual sense of dependency on each other, just not the healthy kind and the love we had for each other just wasn’t the same.
I’ve got way off track here but the moral of the story is find a couple who have the real deal, make sure your sexualities match, pray they break up amicably and pray the rare specimen of decent man falls in love with you too. There’s no point in looking for a single one, because if there’s a decent man around, then they’ve 100% been snatched up already – because that shits too hard to find.
Don’t do that really you snid.
Hoes before Bros.