*Actual & Hypothetical Spoiler Alerts Throughout
Update 15/12/16 – So I was only half right about Kirstie Alley’s involvement and Wes was a spanner in the works. Believe me when I say that if it was possible for me to feel anything I would totally be crying right now.
Listen up you hog faced sluts! I, Michael Ashton of sound mind and bitchin’ body have cracked Scream Queens Season 2’s killer trio just in time for Chanel O’Ween. Doubt me if you must but don’t come crying to me when you are wrong and I’m a high ranking FBI special agent. I always knew I was meant to be the next Denise Hemphill. I even had a Shandel in my life, though it was only for a one afternoon stand – hangover horn is a bitch.
First up, the obvious Kirstie Alley a.k.a Scientology Bitch a.k.a Ingrid Marie Hoffel a.k.a I’m Awful. Clearly the pregnant woman whose husband was dumped in the swamp in the season premiere’s flashback that set the plot behind the motivation of the killer. Blonde, bitchy, awful. Too obvious? There’s always going to be at least 3 and she’s the perfect distraction for the Hester style reveal of last year. Her and her son a.k.a Taylor Lautner.
Taylor Lautner the Twilight sweetheart who other than a brief stint on Cuckoo has seriously lacked updates on his CV since 2012, unlike K Stew who has gone on to slay another day. What will break his stereotyping as sweet guy with abs – serial killer. Flashback to episode 1, when Zayday ‘it was really haaaard’ Williams asked him why he came to work at the hospital – “I became a doctor after seeing the terrible medical care some of my family have receieved over the years”. What could be more terrible health care than your dad being murdered by the people entrusted to save his life – Renée Zellweger’s facelift. I’m not too sure on what his whole being dead thing has to do with it, I thought it was just an anti-reference to him being hot in more ways than one in Twilight.
Bringing us to our final reveal, the Hester style reveal. Someone who is a core character and so obvious that it’s too obvious and you would never suspect them. Last year it was neck brace this year it’s vagina teeth. Chanel #5. Ten times more screen time this series – equal to Hester’s in season 1, constantly accused to throw us off the scent, openly off her meds and sick of not getting sympathy for the death of her boyfriends and expected to comfort Chanel post dead Chad. The same Chanel #5 who was just so conveniently stabbed and left for dead at the end of the latest episode. Distraction and bait are two words repeated throughout the episode, Zayday susses the poisoned staff were a distraction conducted by the Green Meanie and the Chanel’s are used as bait. Chanel #5 is used as both, stabbed to distract attention from her involvement and bait to lure in special FBI agent Denise who eventually unmasked the real Red Devil and was most likely to unmask the Green Meanie.
But it can’t be Chanel #5 she was in the hydrotherapy bath when the Green Meanie killed their first victim right next to her? Well you’re right there – but who else was buried up to the neck when the Red Devil killed Deaf Taylor Swift in Season One’s premiere? Hester.
Now just in case you’re still doubting my super sleuth skills lets step all the way back to the credits for Season 1, revealed half way through the season, that alluded to Hester’s real identity.
The obvious killer giving her accomplice a thumbs up. Pete also winks into the camera just before the Red Devil shuts him in a coffin – it doesn’t screen cap well, bite me.
In season 2s promo Chanel #5 and Taylor share this intimate moment despite having very little interaction on screen:
Everything happens for a reason.
Happy Chanel O’Ween my precious little donkeys.